Duplex Dude

Duplex Dude

 


  Car Bomb Explodes Near Fruit Market in Iraq

Baghdad: A suicide car bomber detonated his bomb today near the Al-Hakim Fruit Market, one of the largest fruit markets in the city.

Fortunately the market was mostly empty of patrons and the worst injuries suffered were lacerations and a few broken limbs.

Speaking to reporters via telephones in their Green Zone hotels, the owner of the fruit market, Mr. Barham Al-Hakim, said he was taking the unfortunate incident in his stride.

"I have already put out a new sign in front of the market that reads: 'Al-Hakim Fruit Salad Bar'," he said.

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  Bush Outlaws All Religion in the U.S.A.

Washington: President George W. Bush outlawed today, by executive order, all forms of religion within the United States of America.

"It came to our attention," he said, "that Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita were Acts of God, committed against the United States of America by a terrorist organization called Force Majeure."

According to the President it was one of Vice President Dick Cheney's former associates in the insurance industry that had tipped them off.

The President announced that as of today he considers Force Majeure to be part of the Axis of Evil. He pledged that his administration will leave no stone unturned to find God and eliminate the threat of Force Majeure.

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  South Africa Hit by Massive Zoonami

Pretoria: President Thabo Mbeki expressed his condolences today to the next of kin of the victims in the northern part of the country who died as a result of the massive zoonami that had hit the country from Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe is suffering from severe food shortages to the extent that citizens have started to hunt wild animals on an unprecedented scale.

For survival of their species the animals have instinctively fled south, crossing the Limpopo river into South Africa in massive stampedes.

"Entire border communities have been wiped from the face of the earth," said Mbeki. Vibrant communities like the town of Musina exist no more. Musina was overrun by a large herd of elephant that was followed, to add insult to injury, by an even larger herd of rhinoceros.

The communication and power supply infrastructure of the Limpopo province has been completely destroyed by large herds of fleeing Zimbabwean giraffe. Smaller Zimbabwean animals like rabbits, foxes, and mice have caused extensive damage as far south as Polokwane, the capital of the Limpopo province.

Large flocks of Zimbabwean birds have periodically blocked out the sunshine over Johannesburg and Pretoria, and a flock of Zimbabwean pigeon has been found nesting on Table Mountain near Cape Town. Swarms of Zimbabwean locusts have also been spotted on the farmlands in the Free State province.

"This is the worst zoonami in human history," said former President Nelson Mandela in a press conference, "and I want to personally thank former President George H. Bush and my dear friend former President Bill Clinton for their efforts to solicit international donations for our stricken citizens."

At the urgent request of Limpopo Premier Sello Moloto, President Mbeki declared a state of emergency to exist in the Limpopo province, and activated the Central Emergency Management Agency (CEMA) to render emergency assistance as required.

Survivors in the devastated areas have criticized the performance of CEMA. Said one survivor in the decimated town of Makhado: "It has been five days and we have not seen a representative from CEMA yet. The only people we have seen have been Anderson Cooper from CNN and John Robbie from Radio 702."

Accurate casualty figures will probably be impossible to compile since many of the victims would have been consumed by Zimbabwean predators and scavengers like lions, leopards and hyenas.

President Mbeki is scheduled to tour the devastated areas over the next seven days.

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  New U.K. Census Shows Most Londoners Live in London

London: The United Kingdom's Government Statistical Service (GSS) released the report today of a special census commissioned by Prime Minister Tony Blair's office a year ago. The findings firmly conclude that most Londoners live in London.

"We are always excited," said an aid of Mr. Blair, "by interesting and useful demographic statistics. Understanding who lives where is essential to good governance."

Mayor of London Ken Livingston expressed his satisfaction with the findings, "During my tenure as mayor we have increased the percentage of Londoners who live in London from 55% to 61%. It proves our policies of promoting London are working effectively."

A spokeswoman for GSS said they went door to door to every household in London and confirmed that everyone was a Londoner. "We have auditable proof in the form of five warehouses full of completed checklists," she said.

The study surprisingly found, almost as a footnote, that most Londoners do not live in Birmingham and Newcastle.

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  FLASH: U.S. Deploys Subway Dogs, but N.Y. Declines

New York: The Department of Homeland Security is providing 30 bomb-sniffing dogs, along with training for their police handlers, to 10 transit agencies. But New York's subway system, by far the largest and busiest in the country, is not one of them. The Metropolitan Transportation Authority turned down the offer, officials said yesterday, because New York cannot afford the extra long leashes that are required for the bomb-sniffing dogs.

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  Pork Projects by State

September 29, 2005: After intensive undercover investigation and hacking into the Blackberry handhelds of several members of Congress, this reporter uncovered pork projects for all 50 states and the federal district that have previously been hidden from public knowledge by the Patriot Act.

  • Alabama: Water project to flood the entire state and turn it into the largest panhandle extension of the Gulf of Mexico to be used for an annual sailboat regatta ($351 million)
  • Alaska: Transportation project to build an elevated six lane highway across Canada to Washington state to avoid having to go through customs ($20.1 billion)
  • Arizona: Water project to build a dam wall in the Colorado river that will flood the Grand Canyon and create the largest and longest ice rink in the world in winter ($1.8 billion)
  • Arkansas: Landscaping project to import iron ore to increase the size of Little Rock and rename it to Big Rock ($980 million)
  • California: Transportation project to install several thousand pedestrian conveyor belts to facilitate immigration from Mexico (131 million)
  • Colorado: Landscaping project to bulldoze the Rocky Mountains into a single peak that will exceed Mount Everest in elevation and place the highest point on earth in the USA ($20 billion)
  • Connecticut: Tourism project to connect the Appalachian Trail in one giant loop so that tourist dollars do not leave the state ($45 million)
  • Delaware: Advertising project to make people aware that Delaware is not a competitor of Tupperware ($550 million)
  • Florida: Space project to spacelift the entire Florida Keys to the moon to provide a more exclusive summer home for Canadian retirees ($110 billion)
  • Georgia: Commerce project to recruit younger air hostesses for Delta Airlines ($230 million)
  • Hawaii: Transportation project to build a submerged six lane highway to Tokyo to facilitate trade and tourism with Asia ($100 billion).
  • Idaho: Demographic project to import at least one liberal voter to the state ($230 thousand)
  • Illinois: Demographic project to export the poor population to Louisiana where they can benefit from federal assistance programs ($160 million)
  • Indiana: State symbol project to rename the state to Nativia Americana because Indiana is not politically correct ($68 million)
  • Iowa: Legal project to lift state endorsement of the Eighteenth Amendment that prohibited intoxicating liquor in 1920 ($5.5 million)
  • Kansas: Charity project to donate the World's second largest Shovel to Colorado ($6 million)
  • Kentucky: Air quality project to install giant Febreze spray equipment to rid the state of the oily smell of fried chicken ($540 million)
  • Nevada: Scientific project to install complex optical instruments and remote DNA sensing equipment on the mountains surrounding Area 51 to prove the federal government is hiding aliens at the facility ($540 million)
  • Louisiana: Civil protection project to erect a gigantic 'No Entry, Hurricanes Strictly Forbidden' sign facing the Gulf of Mexico and a smaller 'Storm Surge Strictly Forbidden' sign facing Lake Pontchartrain ($1.2 billion)
  • Maine: State symbol project to change the name of the state to Minore since it never features in any major news ($120 million)
  • Maryland: State symbol project to rename the state to Bettyland since more female babies in the state are now being named Betty as opposed to Mary ($20 million)
  • Massachusetts: Public relations project to destroy any historical evidence of and deny any connection with John Kerry ($20 million)
  • Michigan: Subversion project to discourage and undermine the use of public transportation in the other 49 states ($100 million)
  • Minnesota: Civil protection project to relocate the Iron Range to the shores of Lake Superior to serve as a levee system ($100 billion)
  • Mississippi: Tourism project to drain the Mississippi river and turn it into a giant skateboard halfpipe ($100 billion)
  • Missouri: Defense project to erect observation posts and bunkers on the borders of the eight adjacent states in case one turns renegade ($880 million)
  • Montana: Defense project to erect anti-aircraft batteries to protect its long border with Canada against intrusion by Canada's single operational fighter jet ($760 million)
  • Nebraska: Environment project to erect a giant carbon dioxide emitter to trigger another Ice Age, so that glaciers can better reshape the state's geography ($200 million)
  • New Hampshire: Geographic project to give the Old Man of the Mountain a facelift ($150 million)
  • New Jersey: State symbol project to adopt the Jersey cow as official seal ($20 million)
  • New Mexico: State naming project to rename the state to New Spaniel to complement the bordering Mexican state of Chihuahua ($80 million)
  • New York: Tourism project to give Lady Liberty a boob job, collagen injections and liposuction ($200 million)
  • North Carolina: Public health project to erect large 'No Smoking' signs facing the Smoky Mountains ($80 million)
  • North Dakota: Civil defense project to erect giant 'No Entry, Tornadoes Prohibited' signs across the state ($200 million)
  • Ohio: Landscaping project to paint the Great Black Swamp in a more pleasing light eggshell hue ($400 million)
  • Oklahoma: Civil defense project to permanently seal off the entrance of the Tornado Alley ($900 million)
  • Oregon: Tourism project to install giant champagne dispensers at the crest of the Cascade Mountains ($2 billion)
  • Pennsylvania: Construction project to plug the Delaware Water Gap ($650 million)
  • Rhode Island: Commerce project to sell the Jewels of the Bay to the De Beers group ($50 million)
  • South Carolina: Education project to teach the state inhabitants an accent that the other 49 states can understand ($800 million)
  • South Dakota: City naming project to rename the capital, Pierre, to Sitting Bull so that visiting celebrities do not confuse the capital with their hairdresser ($90 million)
  • Texas: Roofing project to cover the entire state with a retractable roof and make it the world's largest indoor cattle ranch ($300 billion)
  • Tennessee: Civil privacy project to install a giant screen between the state and the Lookout Mountain in bordering Georgia ($65 million)
  • Utah: Demographic project to attract more eligible females to the state (200 million)
  • Vermont: Advertizing project to educate the public that 'Vermont' is not the brand name of a mice and lice incubator ($3 billion)
  • Virginia: Public relations project to convince the other 49 states that inhabitants of Virginia do not procreate by means of artificial insemination ($590 million)
  • Washington: Civil protection project to install a giant chimney on Mount Rainier to direct future volcanic eruptions into space ($5 billion)
  • Washington DC: Climate control project to install giant extractor fans to disperse the hot air generated in the district, and a commerce project to export the precursor of industrial fertilizer that is produced by the district ($2 billion)
  • West Virginia: Tourism project to elevate the New River Gorge Bridge by another 5,000 feet to facilitate more exhilarating BASE jumping ($700 million)
  • Wisconsin: Geographic project to drain Lake Superior and market the site to Japanese tourists as the largest meteor crater on earth ($3 billion)
  • Wyoming: Geographic project to relocate the Big Horn Mountains to be situated on top of the Devil's Tower ($500 billion)
***
Background: Michelle Malkin, Tapcott's Copy Desk, psychophil

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  Japanese Kill Only Surviving Giant Squid

September 28, 2005: Japanese scientists announced today that they were able capture and kill the last surviving member of the giant squid species. They plan to bring the 28 feet monster to shore later today.

Giants squids, rumored to weigh up to 2,000 pounds and measure up to 30 feet in length, have been the subject of many urban legends as well as Hollywood films such as Reap the Wild Wind and Dr No. No giant squid has ever been caught alive, until yesterday. Well, sort of.

"We are very excited with this catch," one of the scientists said, "because at long last we have the proof that the species actually existed."

"It was the last surviving member of the species," he added, "because we found a serial number on its forehead that reads 'Extinct - 1'."

The scientists plan to recover the costs of the expedition by carving up the squid and selling it as large calamari steaks.

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  FLASH: Sweden Reinvents Reincarnation

Stockholm: Scientists in Sweden reinvented reincarnation by inventing a process that freeze dries a corpse, dipping it in liquid nitrogen and gently vibrating it to shatter it into powder. The powder is then vacuum sealed in a small Tupperware holder with the following instructions on the lid: "Add distilled water and gently shake until fully dissolved. Wait until person is fully expanded, then choose fitting name and greet."

***
Background: Shakespeare's Sister

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  Canadian Military Mobilizes for War with Denmark

September 28, 2005: Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin today announced that he has ordered the Canadian military to mobilize for the impending war with Denmark over the disputed Hans Island.

Both nations lay claim to the 1.3 square km (half a square mile) Hans Island, located between Canada's Ellesmere Island and Greenland, which belongs to Denmark. The dispute stems back to 1973, when borders drawn between Greenland and Canada ignored Hans Island.

Canadian Chief of the Defence Staff, General Rick Hillier, said that full force deployment will be swift. "Both our tanks will arrive at Ellesmere Island by the end of the week, supported by our full contingent of three Huey helicopters," he said.

Canadian ground forces, comprising of two slingshot battalions and one archer battalion, will accompany the tanks.

Air superiority might be a problem, the General pointed out, saying, "Our De Havilland Vampire fighter jet is currently grounded awaiting spare parts from the Imperial War Museum in London."

Danish Foreign Minister Per Stig Moller said that Denmark is still hopeful for a peaceful solution to the dispute. "War is an absolute last resort," he said, "especially when you are faced with overwhelmingly superior forces."

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  Massive Price Protest Planned in Washington

September 27, 2005: The Alliance of Concerned Consumers announced today that they have organized a massive demonstration in Washington DC on Saturday and Sunday to protest the sharp increase in the price of pizza delivery.

"The President urged the American people to conserve energy," a spokesman for the Alliance said, "and we fully support that. Folks can drive less to conserve gas, but they have to feed themselves, don't they? And how are they supposed to feed themselves if they cannot drive to the grocery store and they cannot afford the fee to have pizza delivered?"

"It is utterly ridiculous. This pizza delivery price gouging is a national disgrace and the American people will not stand for it," he added.

The price of pizza delivery has increased tenfold over the increase in the price of gas over the past two weeks.

Organizers say they have already received more than 500,000 registrations on their web site from people who pledged to attend and they expect that double that number of people will just show up without having registered.

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  FLASH: Bin Laden Announces Retirement

Cave, Pakistan: Osama bin Laden called President Bush today and told him he is retiring from the terrorism business. "Your natural disasters and political problems are dominating the headlines, and you are ignoring me. I am not getting any publicity anymore. I quit," said bin Laden. President Bush said he understood: "You know, lately I have been feeling like quitting as well." The President also complimented him on the expensive Rolex that bin Laden received at his al Queda farewell party.

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  FLASH: Pakistan Elections Modeled After US

Islamabad: Police in northwestern Pakistan have issued the report of an inquiry launched after complaints about two dead women being declared elected in a local election held last month. "We concluded that the elections were modeled after the American elections where Democrats were elected to office," the report states.

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  FLASH: Brownie Fudges Again

Washington: In his testimony today to the congressional committee on mistakes made in the response to Hurricane Katrina, former FEMA Director Michael Brown admitted to the committee members that he had fudged his resignation letter. It was revealed yesterday that he is still employed by FEMA as a consultant in the capacity of Chief Blame Deflection Officer, a designation that was recently changed from Chief Fall Officer. His confession came after a female member of the committee pointed at his genitals and laughed.

Background: Shakespeare's Sister, Michelle Malkin

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  Silent Majority Exceed Current World Population

September 27, 2005: The United Nations' Institute for International Demographics released a report today with findings that the world population numbers have been consistently underreported.

"Our findings were made during an audit of world population numbers as reported by the different countries," a spokesman said. The audit team Google'd the term 'silent majority' and counted the number of organizations, government representatives, interest groups, and movements that claim they have the support or are the representatives of the silent majority.

"The results were startling," said the spokesman, "we discovered that the silent majority outnumbers the world population by a factor of 10 to 1 at the very least."

The United Nations urged all governments to immediately recount their populations.

Kofi Annan cautioned in an emergency press release: "This could have very dire consequences on resources and ultimately on world peace."

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  FLASH: Setback for Intelligent Design Believers

Harrisburg: Believers in intelligent design in the Dover Area School District court case received a big setback on Monday when the plaintiffs and their lawyers were seated in court on specially installed tree branches and munched on bags of peanuts. Court proceedings were temporarily halted to allow the plaintiffs to pick flees from their lawyers heads.

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  FLASH: 82nd Airborne Troops Find NOLA Looters

New Orleans: Paratroopers of the 82nd Airborne Division announced that they were able to extract the names of all the looters that ravaged New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. “We generally kept it to broken arms and legs,” a Sergeant said, "but in one case we had to use a leash and point to the man's genitals to extract information."

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  FLASH: Iraqi Toy and Curio Industries Get Giant Boost

Baghdad: The US Military reported it is using 1.8 billion rounds per year, roughly 250,000 rounds per insurgent killed. The Iraqi toy and curio industries are booming. Entrepreneurs are collecting bullet points and spent casings by the bucket and crafting the most exquisite Muslim curios and toys. "I have enough bullet points and casings outside my front door to keep me going for five years," said one entrepreneur. The top seller is a series of Osama dolls, modeled after Barbie, except that everything is metallic. The second most popular item is a model of a destroyed Humvee, accessorized with a model IED.

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  FLASH: Government Lowers Legal Voting Age

Washington: The Bush administration announced today that they are passing a bill to Congress that will lower the legal voting age in the USA to birth minus seven months. At his daily press conference, Scott McClellan explained: "With all the rights being awarded to the fetus by anti-abortionists, it just made sense to give the fetus the right to vote as well. However, to appease pro-abortionists, a fetus vote will only count as half a vote."

Background: Lawyers, Guns and Money, Shakespeare's Sister

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  FLASH: Sheehan Arrested During Anti-War Protest

Washington: Cindy Sheehan was arrested Monday while protesting outside the White House with unshaven legs and armpits. An unnamed spokesman for the Metropolitan Police Department said that such public display of bad grooming habits is not tolerated in the nation's capital. "What example does such behavior from a celebrated mother set for our children?" he indignantly asked. As Sheehan was shoved into a patrol vehicle she shouted to reporters, "Remember I slept in a tent last night! Mention that in your reporting."

Background: Shakespeare's Sister, Michelle Malkin
Update: Scrappleface offers a different take.


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  FLASH: Al Queda Makes First TV Broadcast

Dubai: The al Qaeda movement has for the first time broadcast a television news bulletin, via the Internet. The newsreader had his face covered and a Koran and rifle at his side. "What an excellent idea!" a spokesman for the Media Research Center exclaimed. "CNN and MSBNC should cover the faces of their anchors and guests as well so that the American people can see more real news rather than watch talking heads engage in self-indulgent and repetitive commentary," he added.

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  FLASH: War on Porn

Washington, DC: The FBI is joining the Bush administration's War on Porn. Said Special Agent Lee Johnson, "We are looking for undercover agents who will blend in wearing g-strings." Their objective is to penetrate the porn industry. However, senior FBI officials are still debating whether the female agents will wear nipple caps or not.

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  FLASH: Major Combat Operations Only Says Pentagon

Washington: The Pentagon announced today that US military forces will only be engaged in major combat operations in the future. Since major combat operations ended in Iraq in May 2003, 1,776 US soldiers have died during the peaceful combat operations phase. "That's a 13 to 1 death ratio compared with the major combat operations phase," said a Pentagon source. "It is self-evident that we suck at post-victory fighting," he added.

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  Bush: Good News Is On The Way

September 26, 2005: Burdened by record budget deficits, a controversial war in Iraq, multiple natural disasters, numerous accusations of cronyism and corruption, and the ever present threat of another terror attack, President Bush announced today to the nation that good news is on the way.

"The FBI conducted an intensive investigation," said President Bush, "and concluded that there is no evidence of good news in the homeland."

"But don't despair my fellow Americans," the President cautioned, "I have a plan. We have purchased good news from Taiwan, albeit not the best quality news in the market, but it is all we can afford in these difficult times."

Sources confirmed that an armada of cargo vessels are on their way from Taiwan carrying almost three hundred million News Ready to Read (NRR) packages. A unnamed spokesman for UPS said they have been alerted and they stand ready to deliver the good news to every household in America.

The Red Cross will also be involved with pick-up points at major shopping malls and temporary shelters where folks can hide from bad news until the shipments arrive.

The President concluded, "The future of America is bright. Good news is on the way. God bless you and God bless America."

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  FLASH: Terrorists Now Using Cloaked Missiles

Pentagon: The US Military has strong suspicions that terrorists in Afghanistan and Iraq are using cloaked ground to air missiles. "In almost every recent incident of a helicopter being shot down," an aid of Donald Rumsfeld said, "eye witnesses denied having seen any evidence of a flash or trail of a missile. We are still investigating and are also considering the possibility of spontaneous combustion. Whatever the case may be, it is a very troubling development."

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  FLASH: Blair Reveals 'Bush Brainwashing Me'

London: Prime Minister Tony Blair privately admitted to aides today that he is brainwashed every time he visits the United States. "With each visit," Blair confided, "I can vaguely remember being taken to a dungeon and connected to a lot of wires. I don't remember anything further. But when I fly home I suddenly discover that my views are completely aligned with those of President Bush, for example global warming and the war in Iraq. Most troubling is the fact that aides tell me I had held the complete opposite view before the visit."

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  FLASH: Bush Treated for Depression

Air Force One: An unnamed source in the White House told this reporter that President Bush is being treated for severe depression. "The President feels he is unwelcome in his own country," the source said and added, "At his ranch he is criticized for vacationing during war and he is pestered by demonstrators. At the White House his naps are interrupted by more demonstrators. He must avoid disaster areas because he interferes with the relief effort. Even Spot and Barney are snarling at him. Trent Lott's porch is the only place left in America where he feels welcome."

Background: Shakespeare's Sister

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  FLASH: USAID Applauds American Generosity

Washington, DC: The US Agency for International Development (USAID) recently launched a charity program for Americans to voluntarily contribute to the reconstruction effort in Iraq. Today an unnamed spokesman for USAID described the resounding success of the program. "Our wildest expectations have been exceeded. So far we have received $600. Both contributors told us it must have been a case of misdirected mail and asked for a refund," he said.

Background: Shakespeare's Sister

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  FLASH: War Supporters Poo-poo Anti-war Demonstrations

Washington, DC: Downplaying the march of roughly 150,000 anti-war demonstrators on Saturday, a White House source said, "The demonstrators who showed up represented only 1% of the hard-core anti-war supporters in the country. Clearly the march was a failure. On Pennsylvania Avenue we had 200 heroic pro-war demonstrators that represented around 85% of the silent majority that support the war. By virtue of turnout percentages, the pro-war rally was a huge success, putting to shame the dismal effort of the anti-war movement and underlining the President's mandate."

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  FLASH: Doctors Urge Longer Breast-feeding

Chicago: The American Academy of Pediatrics today issued a statement urging more women to breast-feed longer for the benefit of infant and mother. Hugh Hefner also weighed in. "I fully support breast-feeding to the age of 75. It has kept me healthy and vibrant," he said.

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  FLASH: Saddam Hussein Balls Drop

Baghdad, Iraq: Former Iraqi President, Saddam Hussein, who is locked up in a prison in Baghdad, experienced today what all aging men do. His balls dropped. "We heard a dull thud," said an unnamed soldier at the prison, "and we all came running to see what had happened." According to the soldier Saddam looked slightly embarrassed and said, "It's okay. I am 68 years old you know."

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  Iraq Car Bomber Killed by IED

September 25, 2005: A suicide car bomber died on the outskirts of Baghdad when he was struck by an improvised explosive device (IED).

Eye witnesses report that Tariq al-Akwah was driving an explosive laden Cressida along the back roads into Baghdad. The vehicle rolled over an IED planted in the road and was ripped apart in a massive explosion. This reporter could see the plume of smoke from his station in the lobby of a Green Zone hotel.

Al Queda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi expressed his sincere regret in a statement. "We deeply regret," he said, "the senseless loss of a car bomb. The infidels that should have died from that car bomb are now wondering what didn't happen. And we have nothing to show for it."

When questioned via fax if he also regretted the death of the driver, Zarqawi replied, "Suicide bombers are a dime a dozen."

Al-Akwah's parents issued the following statement: "Our beloved son Tariq was martyred by martyrs. May his soul rest in peace. We hope Tariq's accidental martyrdom will teach his fellow suicide car bombers to wear their seatbelts and drive safely."

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  FLASH: Anti-war Demonstrations Flop

Washington DC: Around 100,000 opponents of the war in Iraq marched in the city on Saturday, shouting "Bush out now, Bush out now!" The massive demonstration came to an unexpected and premature end when Scott McClellan addressed the crowd via megaphone. "The President left yesterday, he's in Texas," McClellan said. "Oh, okay," cheered the crowd and dispersed in an elated mood.

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  FLASH: Bush Solves Deficit and Hurricane Costs

Washington DC: President Bush announced today that he has sold the southern parts of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and the Florida Panhandle to Mexico. The White House is still evaluating bids from Mexico and Cuba for the purchase of the remainder of Florida. "With this transaction," said President Bush, "America now has a budget surplus of 400 billion dollars, and we've eliminated all the reconstruction costs." He added, "We now have a solid buffer zone to protect us from future hurricanes." Mexico President Vinente Fox announced that the new Mexican soil will be known as Callejón del Huracán."

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  Colombian Union Leader Slain

September 24, 2005: Colombian union leader Luciano Enrique Romero Molina, the most recent in the long list of murdered unionists, was assassinated on September 11. Molina, 47, was a respected leader of SINALTRAINAL, the union representing Coca-Cola workers in Colombia.

An unnamed spokesman for the largest drug cartel in Colombia apologized and said it was all just a misunderstanding.

"Business is good and we are all stretched to the limit. Free time is not abundant around here," the spokesman said. "It was only on September 12," he added, "that our competition 'analysts' were able to Google 'Coca-Cola' to discover that it is a soft drink that poses no threat to our cocaine trade."

"Our sincere apologies and condolences to the Molina family and Coca-Cola workers," the spokesman concluded.

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  FLASH: Miracle Cures Bill Frist's Trust

Washington, DC: Miracles still happen in the modern agnostic society. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) explained, "As recent as 1999 my family trust was completely blind. You can imagine what a surprise it was when I visited it in June of this year and discovered that it could see again. It is a miracle! I did ask Pat Robertson to pray for the trust, but to be honest, I didn't think it would help."


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  FLASH: Nigerian Scammers Switch Tactics

Lagos, Nigeria: Jonas Orabuchi and David Ajayi, two of the most successful Nigerian scammers announced that sending letters about vast riches that must be transferred out of the country just does not cut it anymore. "Older people are still falling for it, but if you do not diversify in business you lose," Orabuchi said. The two are planning to emigrate to the USA and become televangelists. Said Ajayi, "Our studies have shown that televangelists' success in swindling the public completely overshadows our meagre efforts. And we will expand our potential market to all age ranges."

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  White House Pool Report: Tough Day

September 24, 2005: Today's White House pool report gives a rare glimpse of backstage access to the White House.

From: Press.Releases@WhiteHouse.Gov
Subject: POOL REPORT #1, 9/24/05
Date: September 24, 2005 1:45:43 PM EDT
Reply-To: Press.Releases@WhiteHouse.Gov

Pool Report #1, 9/24/05

Woke up at 8:30 AM with one hell of a hangover. A few of us were invited over to the residence last night at around 9:30 PM. The President can be such a hoot when he is in the mood! Told us a few stories about the pranks he played on colleagues in the Air National Guard. We nearly wet ourselves laughing.

Cheney joined us for half an hour. Man, that guy needs to loosen up a bit. "Yes, Mr. President, no Mr. President," all the time. Protocol nut. We were all like, "Hey George," and someone who will remain nameless even said, "Dubya, you're a funny guy." But that was really late, like 3:00 AM. Even the Prez went, "The Shrub is more than just dead brush, yeah?" He thought it was really funny. So did we.

Everyone is hurting today. When the Prez came out of his morning briefing he made a face at me. I interpreted it as, "Man, I am dragging some serious ass." We're with you, Mr. President.

Condi and Rumsfeld met with the Prez at 12:30 PM. When they came out of the Oval Office I overheard Condi saying, "Did you smell that too?" Rummy with his usual answer with a question said, "Smell what exactly?"

It's almost 2 PM. Seriously need a nap. Saw the Prez walking in the backyard before going into the residence. Nothing more is going to happen here today.

White House Correspondent

***
Background: I cite

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  FLASH: CNN Reporter Killed on Live Television

Beaumont, TX: CNN reporter Mark Butcher was decapitated today by a flying stop sign while doing his live report on Hurricane Rita from Beaumont. Said CNN producer John Santori, "It was stunning reality tv. This is exactly what we've been hoping for every time we've sent our reporters to stand in front of the cameras in hurricane force winds. Ratings are through the roof." An unnamed spokesman from MSNBC issued a terse statement: "We envy them."

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  John Kerry's Vote on John Roberts

September 23, 2005: The front page of the John Kerry website today carried an explanation of Kerry's vote on the nomination of John Roberts as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Extensive research, including one click on the Google cache link, revealed an earlier draft of the message.

I will vote for against for against for against the nomination of John Roberts to serve as Chief Justice of the United States.

I refuse to vote for a Supreme Court nominee who came before the Senate making those big eyes that scared the living daylights out of all who watched, and demonstrated his ability to deftly turn the Supreme Court into a football match. He also demonstrated he can deflect repetitive and boring 'me, I' speeches by senators and legitimate questions about his views, opinions and philosophy of the speeches.

If he is confirmed, God forbid, maybe – and he may well be based on the fact that he said nothing – the Roberts Court will all be dressed in umpire uniforms. It will decide dozens of cases and presidential elections that will erode and completely undermine the right to use Clinton condoms in America, as well as Jesse Jackson's fixation with military bases, Rush Limbaugh's dedication to civil liberties, Anderson Cooper's choice of hair gel and a woman's right to choose whether to wear boxers or g-strings.

With that much at stake, Judge Roberts needed to show us how he handles an umpire whistle. Instead he recited nursery rhymns and said little about what he really thought about the Patriots' chances this year.

While I recognize that Republican members of the Senate will habitually make a stupid choice, I will maybe vote "YES" "NO" "YES" “NO” on the Roberts nomination as Chief Umpire of the Supreme Court.

Further reading: Parableman, The View From The Left, Blogs for Bush

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  Scott McClellan Resigns

September 23, 2005: Scott McClellan today announced his resignation as White House Press Secretary.

"Over the past weeks," McClellan told reporters, "I have analyzed transcripts of my press briefings and concluded that my services are no any longer required by the White House. I have decided to resign -- a selfless action that will produce savings in federal spending that can offset the Katrina costs."

White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, concurred, "In Scott's press briefings he has used the terms 'I will get back to you on that,' 'I have already answered that,' 'We discussed that last week,' 'What do you mean, [insert question]?' 'I have spoken at length on that,' 'We are aware of that,' and several other variations more than a million times."

Card added, "We decided to replace Scott with a talking doll that will play a recorded message. During question time the reporters can pull a string and the doll will randomly play one of Scott's stock answers. Besides saving costs, the doll will be better looking."

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  New Terrorist Group al Aqua Exposed

September 22, 2005: After months of deep undercover work and exhaustive investigation, this reporter can reveal the existence of a previously unkown terrorist organization, al Aqua.

al Aqua's objectives are decimation of the United States economy and crippling of its infrastructure.

The group consists of meteorologists from several Middle East countries. Sources also speculate that they are supported by a handful of rogue meteorologists from the former Soviet Union.

al Aqua operates from a base in the Atlantic Ocean in the general vicinity of the Bahamas, but to maintain base security they sometimes change location. The base consists of a modified and highly specialized giant hovercraft, which is equipped with state of the art cloaking technology.

Using their advanced customized equipment these scientists manipulate ocean temperatures and wind currents that result in the formation of deadly hurricanes. With the mobility of the hovercraft they are able to steer the hurricane to a target of their choice in the United States.

Between hurricanes they generally spend their time planning, warming the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, and restocking supplies.

More on this developing story later...

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  Secret American Resistance Movement Reveals Doctrine Manual

September 22, 2005: The New American Resistance Coalition of Opposition (NARCO) today published their previously highly classified and closely guarded doctrine manual on the Internet.

Primary Goal:
Corrupt the USA government and undermine American society.

Tactics:
  • Foster a climate of intolerance and hate between conservatives and liberals
  • Promote and reward character assassination of prominent figures
  • Indoctrinate the population that only bad news is newsworthy
  • Disseminate disinformation of a single and cohesive American culture
  • Reward incompetence and dishonesty
  • Secretly promote racial hate and class distinction
  • Glorify violence and war through the entertainment industry
  • Undermine constitutional rights
  • Create an atmosphere of perpetual fear
  • Promote economic discrimination
  • Discourage fiscal responsibility
  • Alienate the international community
  • Incite anonymous leaks of classified or sensitive information
  • Reward ascendency of self interest above national interest
  • Frustrate close cooperation between levels of government
  • Promote and reward frivolous litigation
  • Suppress truth and accurate account of facts
  • Popularize live televised suffering and death
Background: Original idea for this post germinated while reading Media Coverage Distorts Iraq Reality via Security Watchtower. The post is fiction but the Tactics are based on observations of actual trends in the American society.


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  Bush Rolls ICE into Farm Service Agency

September 21, 2005: After scathing criticism from Michelle Malkin on the appointment of political crony nominees at the Department of Homeland Security, President Bush announced today that he is disbanding the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency (ICE) and rolling its functions into the Farm Service Agency (FSA) under the Department of Agriculture.

"The largest percentage of foreigners who come into this country," the President noted, "end up working on farms. This strategic move will ensure that illegal immigrants from Mexico will be effectively matched with farm labor demands, and it will prevent the importation of Canadian mad cow beef. Providing cost effective farm labor and protecting the American consumer are priorities for my Administration."

Addressing questions on concerns of terrorists infiltrating via the Mexican border, the President started and then hastily corrected himself, "Bring them -- it is not a concern -- what harm can they do on a farm in the middle of Texas? Mike Johanns will ensure that everyone who crosses the Mexican border will be directly transported to a farm in need of labor."

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  USA Files for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Protection

September 21, 2005: Congress voted today 400 - 33 in favor of the United States Government filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The Senate approved the bill in a 96 - 4 vote. President Bush begrudgingly signed it into law early this afternoon.

"We never anticipated that this would happen in the United States," the President noted, and added, "and least of all under my watch. However, the war in Iraq and Katrina forced us to accumulate record deficits. Hurricane Rita looks set to destroy the remainder of the Gulf Region. It is my sworn duty as President to protect America. Even though it pains me to sign this bill, I must protect the United States against the Axis of Debt, namely the central banks of China, Japan, United Kingdom, Saudi Arabia, and Korea."

Describing it as the first preemptive strike in the War on Debt, the President also cautioned that it will be a long war. "It will take decades, and we will stay the course. We will prevail," he said.

In a statement, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said, "It is business as usual. We are moving forward with making tax cuts permanent, repealing estate tax, and approving spending bills. The Chapter 11 filing will give us time to work out a deal with the foreign central banks."

When asked for comments, General Honore said, "The politicians in Washington? Read my lips. They are stuck on stupid."

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  New Spielberg Film 'Adventures of Stroller'

September 21, 2005: DreamWorks today announced the release of the exciting new Stephen Spielberg film, 'Adventures of Stroller'.

The plot revolves around the life of Stroller, a young boy from Texas, and the calamities that befall him as he charts his course through primary school.

The plot begins where, shortly after becoming captain of his class, one of the school bullies steals his marbles during break. Stroller decides to take revenge and throws a rock through the bully's bedroom window, missing the bully by mere inches.

Caught in the heat of the moment, Bruce, Stroller's best friend, becomes obsessed with the bad kids that smoke behind the school hall. Bruce convinces Stroller they must confiscate the cigarettes and chase the kids away.

Stroller and Bruce successfully chase away the smokers, but are surprized by a group of bullies that take possession of the area behind the school hall and start beating on them.

Wondering what to do with the bully that stole his marbles and being pummeled by the school hall bullies, life is far from perfect for Stroller as he looks ahead and wonders what more calamities await him.
-----------------------
Quotes from the movie:

Stroller: "We must attack the bully at his home so we don't have to protect our marbles on the playground."

Bruce: "There is no doubt that the bad kids have an entire carton of cigarettes on them."

Goofs: In the main confrontation scene behind the school hall, none of the bad kids actually have cigarettes on them.

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  Canadian Parliament Relocates to Gulf of Mexico

September 20, 2005: Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin announced that the Canadian Parliament is relocating its offices to an offshore oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico.

"The Canadian Parliament," said Martin, "will be stationed in the Gulf of Mexico until the end of the 2005 hurricane season."

"Studies by Environment Canada show that the amount of hot air generated on Parliament Hill will prevent hurricanes from entering the Gulf of Mexico. It is the least we can do to help our American friends down south," he said.

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  FEMA Closed Down, NASA Tapped for Disaster Management

September 20, 2005: President Bush announced today that he is disbanding the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). All federal disaster planning and management functions are being transferred to NASA with immediate effect.

At a press conference this afternoon NASA Administrator Michael Griffin explained why NASA was the agency of choice for the President.

"NASA has had many disasters and our employees are trained and experienced in managing disasters. We already have assets in space that can provide us with high resolution images of disaster areas, which are very important in determining the optimum deployment of disaster relief personnel and supplies," Griffin said.

When reporters asked how NASA will prevent another flooding in New Orleans, Griffin replied that after stress testing the levee system in their wind tunnels and high pressure pools, NASA engineers will determine which sections of the levees must be rebuilt and strengthened, and write detailed specifications and procedure manuals. Contractors will then be tasked for perform the work to specification.

Once work on the levee system is complete, NASA will install a vast array of instrumentation and camera systems on and near the levees to capture their performance during the next big storm.

They will also install instruments in New Orleans that can accurately measure the extent and depth of the flood, should any of the levees break again.

"Personally I found it very frustrating that nobody knew exactly how high the water rose in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina," Griffin said.

To prevent loss of life during the next big hurricane, NASA will require everyone in the Gulf Region to wear an electronic bracelet. Signals from the bracelets will be monitored by the International Space Station to ensure that everyone obeys a mandatory evacuation order.

"The bracelets come in flashy gold, trendy silver, and standard bronze models," Griffin explained.

If any of the levees were breached during the next big storm, Griffin promised that NASA engineers will work around the clock to examine the footage and reconstruct exactly what had happened. NASA will also perform indepth risk analysis to determine whether it is necessary and feasible to make repairs to the levees during the height of the storm.

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  Iran Nuclear Facility Named after US President

September 19, 2005: A major nuclear facility in Iran, called the Bushehr Nuclear Power Facility is located 17 kilometers south of the city of Bushehr.

Just thought it was funny.

Main Entry: bushehr
Function: noun
: a compassionate conservative
: a member of the conservative Republican Party that displays spending patterns traditionally associated with members of the liberal Democrat Party

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  Israel Claims Pretoria is Involved in Iran's Nuclear Activities

September 19, 2005: The South African Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Nomfanelo Kota today dismissed claims by Israeli diplomatic sources on South Africa's participation in Iran's nuclear program. Turning to the report issued in the periodicals of the Israeli government quoting diplomatic sources associated with the country's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, she said that such a claim is baseless.

"Those claims are ridiculous because even if they were true, South African involvement would be top secret. Hence, I am paid to tell you that those claims are baseless. Do you think we want the Americans to come to our shores with their Shocking Awe?" Kota said.

"South Africa's nuclear programs are peaceful in nature. The largest order our nuclear facilities at Koeberg received this year was to manufacture the power plant for Dick Cheney's defibbelator," she explained.

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  Bush Poll Numbers Lower after New Orleans Speech

September 19, 2005: SurveyUSA today released the results of their latest survey that shows President Bush's poll numbers are even lower after his New Orleans speech.
3 polling days after George W. Bush's prime-time speech to the nation from Jackson Square in New Orleans, a "can't win" dynamic is unfolding for the President.

The number of Americans who now approve of the President's response to Hurricane Katrina is down: 40% today compared to 42% before he announced the Gulf Opportunity Zone. The number of Americans who disapprove of the President's response to Katrina is up: 56% today compared to 52% before the speech. Bush went from "Minus 10" on his Response to Katrina before the speech to "Minus 16" today.

One way to make sense of these numbers is to look at the number of Americans who today say the Federal Government is doing "too much" for Katrina victims. That's up to 16% today, more than triple what the number has been on 7 of the 19 days that SurveyUSA has conducted daily tracking since the storm.

The more cash President Bush throws on the fire, as compensation for what some see as an inadequate initial response, the more it antagonizes his core supporters.

At a press conference this afternoon, Scott McClellan said, "SurveyUSA should poll American citizens, not citizens of Panama and France."

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  Department of Justice Sues al Queda

September 19, 2005: The Department of Justice today filed antitrust charges against al Queda.

"It has become clear," an unnamed DOJ spokesman said, "that al Queda is intent on developing a monopoly in the terrorism industry. They are swallowing small terrorist organizations and individual mujahideen and thereby threatening fair competition not only in the terrorism industry, but the entire illegal weapons trade industry as well."

Members of al Queda were not available for comment.

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  Poor and Underprivileged Union Launched

September 19, 2005: Today saw the launch of the Poor and Underprivileged Union (PAUU) with its headquarters in Washington DC and local chapters in every American city.

A spokesperson for PAUU said the need for the union arose when President Bush announced the massive financial assistance to help the Gulf Region evacuees lift themselves out of poverty.

"Although commendable, the President's announcement singled out poor people affected by Hurricane Katrina. And that is grossly unfair to the rest of the 37 million people who are living in poverty in the United States," the spokesperson said.

"What do the rest of the poor people need to do to receive the same assistance from the government? Lose whatever meagre possessions they have in another disaster? No, PAUU believes the government must think broader than just political gains. What is good for poor evacuees, is good for every other poor person in this country," she added.

The White House refused to comment.

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  Mugabe spurned SA loan 'in fury over conditions'

September 18, 2005: Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe rejected South Africa's offer of emergency cash to bail out Zimbabwe's collapsing economy and 'humiliated' the officials when they presented him with a draft rescue package, it emerged yesterday.

A senior official in the Zimbabwe government, who prefers to remain anonymous because he has not eaten corn for five months due to shortage, said that Mugabe was apoplectic when he learned about the conditions attached to the loan.

South Africa attached three conditions:
Zimbabwe must relocate the famous Victoria Falls to a rustic spot between Johannesburg and Pretoria.
President Thabo Mbeki wants to display the Khame Ruins on the mantlepiece in his Cape Town office.
Zimbabwe must acknowledge that ZANU-PF stands for 'Zap And Neuter Uneducated Poor Folks'

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  North American Continent Out of Balance

September 17, 2005: The National Institute for Geographic Studies announced today that the North American continent is starting to tip over towards the northern Canadian side.

In a press release, they explained why.
With the sudden exodus of more than a million people from the southern United States gulf region, the North American continent has become unbalanced. The result is, the entire continent has started to slowly tip over towards the northern side.

A senior Institute official, who wants to remain anonymous because she is afraid of further upsetting the tectonic plates, said that she expects that Canada will disappear underneath the sea within the next four months. She expects the Gulf Region to reach the same elevation as Mount Everest before the continent stabilizes. With the continent at a forty five degree angle, she expects Nashville to slide north and become a suburb of Chicago. Similarly, San Francisco will become a suburb of Seattle. Or vice versa.

Not all news is bad, the source added, NASA will be able to launch the space shuttle with a rubber band.

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  Dick Cheney to Undergo Surgery

September 17, 2005: The White House announced that Vice President Dick Cheney will have surgery next weekend to repair an aneurysm behind his right knee.

A senior official in the Vice President's office, who preferred to remain anonymous because he never worked for Halliburton, told this reporter that the surgery has nothing to do with an aneurysm.

"In the interest of national security we chose 'aneurysm' because nobody can spell it, even fewer people know what it means, and there's not a word for it in Arabic. The Vice President is going to have his defibrillator (Ed: try saying that after six beer) removed. In the place of the defibrillator the surgeons are going to implant a defibbelator," the source said.

When this reporter asked what a 'defibbelator' is and why, the source explained, "A defibbelator is a device implanted in the voice box. It sends a small electric current into the brain stem every time the person tells a lie. Mr Cheney's defibbelator will be powered by a microscopic nuclear power plant. As to why -- defibbelator is easier for President Bush to pronounce in his speeches."

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  Aerial Images of Budget Deficit

September 17, 2005: The MSNBC website today had a headline that read:
Bush brushes aside cost concerns | Aerial images

This reporter wasn't sure whether MSNBC was referring to aerial images of the stricken Gulf region, or to aerial images of the exploding US budget deficit.

It is safe to assume that it was referring to satellite images of the budget deficit, which has become so big that it cannot fit into any ordinary camera viewfinder.

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  Parking Prohibited Near Bush's Crawford Ranch

September 17, 2005: McLennan County Commissioners passed an ordinance Monday prohibiting parking and stopping on more than 20 miles of roads surrounding President Bush's ranch.

An official from the County Commissioner's office, who preferred to remain anonymous because he voted in favor of the prohibition, explained, "Since we have had all those middle class people invade our county with their middle class vehicles, middle class tents, and middle class crosses, land value in the county has dropped more than forty percent. That cannot be tolerated. Everyone in this high class county cringes in shame when they see a Ford Focus or Dodge Neon parked along our roads. And in our county, tents are used for fund raisers only, not for accommodations."

"This prohibition is not intended to limit people's First Amendment rights. Folks who want to protest can still do so by driving on our roads, as long as they use a Ford Excursion or Dodge Durango," the official added.

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  Howard Dean: Katrina Deaths Bush's Fault

September 16, 2005: Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean is blaming President Bush for the hundreds of deaths that resulted from what he said was FEMA's mishandling of Hurricane Katrina relief efforts.

He expressed his deepest appreciation for the Stargate SG-1 team, who retrieved a Tok'ra symbiot from Planet P9Y-4D8 to help him repair his courage. SG-1's O'Neill and Teal'c are currently on a mission to retrieve as many symbiots as they can find for the other members of the Democratic Party.

Said Dean, "A Goa'uld attack against our planet is currently the least of our worries. The Bush administration poses a far greater and imminent threat. As soon as all the Democrat leaders have their Tok'ra symbiots, you will see a display of courage that's unprecedented in the history of the United States."

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  Prime Time Address By President Bush from New Orleans

September 15, 2005: Tonight, President Bush delivered a prime time address to the nation from New Orleans.

This reporter hacked into Karl Rove's Blackberry and found a draft of the President's speech.

"Good evening. With all these lights on me it really looks like day. yuk yuk yuk yuk. I am speaking to you from the city of New Orleans. I was watching ESPN when we landed, I think we landed in New Orleans. Millions of lives were changed in a day by a cruel and wasteful storm, most of all mine. Have you seen my atrocious poll numbers!?"

"In the aftermath, we have seen fellow citizens left stunned and uprooted. Well, you have, I've been too busy with my vacation and worrying about Cindy Sheehan to watch television. We have also witnessed the kind of desperation no citizen of this great and generous Nation should ever have to know – vulnerable people left at the mercy of criminals because of the slow Federal response."

"You need to know that our whole Nation cares about you, especially if you are rich. And we intend to demonstrate how much we care about you by repealing the Estate Tax laws. And tonight I also offer this pledge of the American people: Throughout the area hit by the hurricane, we will do what it takes to maximize big business profits. For example, we have already eradicated fair wage requirements to help those friends of mine in the reconstruction business underpay local workers."

"Evacuees who have not yet registered should contact FEMA or the Red Cross. Please call 1-877-568-3317. If you call within the next 30 minutes, we will send you a FEMA t-shirt and a framed picture of Mike Brown free of charge. The Social Security Administration is delivering checks, until I am able to kill Social Security. To carry out the first stages of the relief effort and begin the rebuilding at once, I have asked for, and the Congress has provided, more than 60 billion dollars. The largest proportion of this money has already been allocated in no bid contracts to my friends and largest campaign contributors."

As all of you us saw on television, there is also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. And that poverty has roots in a history of racial discrimination, which cut off generations from the opportunity of America. We have a duty to confront this poverty with bold action. Hey, that makes me sound just like a Democrat president, yuk yuk yuk yuk. An example of such bold action is to do away with fair wages."

"Tonight I propose the creation of a Gulf Halliburton Opportunity Zone. I propose the creation of Worker Recovery Accounts to help those evacuees who need extra help finding below fair wage work. In the long run, the New Orleans area has a particular challenge, because much of the city lies below sea level and they vote Democrat. Protecting a city that sits lower than the water around it is not easy, especially if you slash their levee protection budget year after year."

"I propose the creation of Worker Recovery Accounts to help those evacuees who need extra help finding work. Under this plan, the federal government would provide accounts of up to $5,000, which these evacuees could draw upon for job training and education to help them get a good job and for child care expenses during their job search. After Hurricane Katrina, I can no longer ignore and deny the poor in New Orleans. It will be really bad for me politically. I am still ignoring the equally poor in Detroit, Washington DC, and in scores of other cities around the country until they too become a political problem for me."

"The work that has begun in the Gulf Coast region will be one of the largest reconstruction efforts the world has ever seen. My advice to everyone in America, and especially people who want to become rich like me and my friends, is, buy Halliburton shares now. When that job is done, all Americans will have something to be very proud of, millions of dollars worth of Halliburton shares."

"I've put Karl Rove in charge of the federal reconstruction effort, to ensure that it is done in the most politically expedient way for me and the Republican Party. And I am confident that Karl is fully qualified to manage a $200 billion budget. Note from Karl to self: Fudge resume."

"The private fundraising effort led by former Presidents Bush and Clinton has already received pledges of more than 100 million dollars. Some of that money is going to Republican governors, to be used for immediate needs within their states, like Swift Boat ads and 2006 campaign posters. A very small portion will also be sent to local houses of worship, to help reimburse them for the expense of filling the federal response void, helping others. The rest of the money will go to big businesses who have supported me in the past."

"The government of this nation will do its part as well, now that we have woken up at long last after we realized what a political problem our indifference and our lacklustre response have created for me and the Republican Party."

"Four years after the frightening experience of September 11th, BOO!!!, Americans have every right to expect a more effective response in a time of emergency. When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I as President am responsible for the problem, and for the solution. You know, it took me nearly five years to figure that one out. I'm not much of a reader, so I only read the job description of the President of the United States three days ago. However, having said that, let me clarify. Being responsible does not mean being accountable. I don't mean that I am to blame, I just mean that I own any problem in the federal response that the Republican White Wash Commission won't be able to suppress."

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  Rice's Brilliant Iraq Latte Defense

September 15, 2005: Via Think Progress, Condoleezza Rice asked Bill O'Reilly whether Fox correspondents would have wanted to go out for a cup of coffee when Saddam Hussein was in power, after he told her that they currently can’t go out for a cup of coffee in Baghdad.

"Look, obviously it is a life threatening experience nowadays to go out for a cup of coffee in Baghdad. But, when Saddam Hussein was in power, there were no Starbucks in Baghdad. So tell me Bill, would an American rather risk IEDs, snipers, and kamikaze pedestrians for a Starbucks, or would he be a wimp and rather choose to drink the excess crude oil served as coffee under a bad dictator's regime?" Rice said.

O'Reilly and the entire studio crew broke out in uncontrollable laughter. Rice, with a perplexed look on her face, said, "What? WHAT!? What's so funny?"

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  Democrat Uses Army Truck to Save His NO Belongings

September 14, 2005: ABC News reports that Rep. William Jefferson, D-La., who represents New Orleans and is a senior member of the powerful Ways and Means Committee, on September 2nd used National Guard troops to check on his property and rescue his personal belongings — even while New Orleans residents were trying to get rescued from rooftops.

When questioned by a mob of angry right wing bloggers about this apparent misuse of critical rescue personnel and equipment, Jefferson replied, "As a senior member of the Ways and Means Committee, I saw it as my solemn duty to use all ways and means at my disposal to salvage my valuable belongings from my modest 50,000 square feet home in New Orleans," he said.

"And that laptop computer that I salvaged contained vital national security information like Rep Conyers' telephone number and Al Sharpton's email address. It would have been a serious threat to national security if that information fell into the enemy's hands, like Karl Rove, who would have pestered them with his Blackberry and stolen valuable time that they could have spent writing letters to the President and upsetting Tucker Carlson," Jefferson added.

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  Karl Rove Faints on National Television

September 13, 2005: During question time at a joint press conference with Iraq's Prime Minister, President Bush made an astounding revelation that stunned the nation.

In an unguarded moment the President went off-script and said, "To the extent the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility."

In the background, Karl Rove keeled over and fainted. He is currently in the intensive care unit, recovering from the shock of seeing his hard work making up flimsy excuses to deflect blame from the White House go up in flames with those fifteen unguarded words by the President.

In unison with Rove, 290 million Americans fainted from the shock of hearing something remotely resembling an admission of responsibility coming from the President.

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  Bush Accepts Responsibility! Sort of...

September 13, 2005: At a press conference today, President Bush said that he takes responsibility for any federal failure in the response to Hurricane Katrina. Earlier today, the White House released a statement that President Bush has gone on another vacation.

An excerpt from the White House statement:
President Bush, who is extremely tired from doing more than one thing at a time, has decided to go on an extended vacation on his Texas ranch. That should not be a cause of concern for the American people. The White House has found a stunt double for the President. His stunt double will conduct a press conference later today with Iraq's President and deliver a prime time address from Louisiana later tonight.

Meanwhile, a senior White House official, who preferred to remain anonymous because he orchestrated two successful presidential elections, told this reporter that President Bush' stunt double accepting responsibility really means nothing. According to the source, investigations will be manipulated to show that there were no federal failures in the response to Hurricane Katrina. Just like Donald Rumsfeld's accepting responsibility for Abu Ghraib meant nothing because they just blamed the privates and corporals. In the event of a catastrophic failure in manipulating the investigation, they will just blame Mike Brown, the now former head of FEMA, the source said.

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  Iraq and WWII are Connected

September 13, 2005: At a press conference today, US Ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad followed the V-J speech of President Bush and likened the war in Iraq to World War II.

"When Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, President Roosevelt immediately retaliated by invading Pakistan. And when Germany attacked Great Britain, Winston Churchill immediately declared war on Greenland," he said.

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  Chief Umpire John Roberts

September 12, 2005: During his short opening statement in his confirmation hearings, John Roberts said judges are like umpires, and umpires don't make the rules, they apply them.

"The first thing I'm going to do when, I mean if, I am confirmed, I am going to get the Supreme Court judges out of those drab and dreary black gowns they wear. A real judge should wear a real umpire uniform," he said.

"There won't be any Supreme Court cases for a while," he added, "because the judges are going to go on an orientation course to learn how to correctly handle a whistle and give the right hand signals."

When asked what he meant by hand signals, he replied, "For example, if the Supreme Court again elects the President of the United States, the sign will be a thumbs up and a wink."

Concerned Democrats questioned Roberts on whether he thought the Supreme Court will again elect a President in the future, and he replied, "It all depends. If the Democrat candidate has the popular vote, several highly classified provisions of the Patriot Act compel the Supreme Court to elect the Republican candidate."

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