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  Chief Umpire John Roberts

September 12, 2005: During his short opening statement in his confirmation hearings, John Roberts said judges are like umpires, and umpires don't make the rules, they apply them.

"The first thing I'm going to do when, I mean if, I am confirmed, I am going to get the Supreme Court judges out of those drab and dreary black gowns they wear. A real judge should wear a real umpire uniform," he said.

"There won't be any Supreme Court cases for a while," he added, "because the judges are going to go on an orientation course to learn how to correctly handle a whistle and give the right hand signals."

When asked what he meant by hand signals, he replied, "For example, if the Supreme Court again elects the President of the United States, the sign will be a thumbs up and a wink."

Concerned Democrats questioned Roberts on whether he thought the Supreme Court will again elect a President in the future, and he replied, "It all depends. If the Democrat candidate has the popular vote, several highly classified provisions of the Patriot Act compel the Supreme Court to elect the Republican candidate."

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