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  How to Paint Yourself into a Corner

September 12, 2005: In the interest of public service and in line with prudent spending of public money, the White House launched their Lessons in Diminishing Excuses Program for the benefit of all innocent gangsters, mobsters, drug dealers, kleptomaniacs, and people who pick their noses in public. The Spanish version of the Program is titled, How To Paint Yourself Into a Corner Hombre.

Here follows an excerpt from the 20,000 page handbook:

"Iraq has got weapons of mass destruction!" No, they didn't, unless you consider a thrown sandal as a WMD projectile.
"Okay, but Iraq is linked with Al Queda!" No, they weren't, unless you consider that both consist mainly of Arabs.
"Yes, but, Saddam was a very bad dictator!" Maybe, but so are more than a few others as well.
"Okay, but there were terrorists in Iraq!" No, there weren't, until you invaded Iraq and fuelled the insurgency.
"Yes, but we want to spread democracy to Iraq!" You mean, democracy spelled like Islamic theocracy?
"Well, we have to fight them over there so that we don't have to fight them over here!" Isn't the general idea to kill them over there instead of helping them recruit many more?
"Darn, but we have to honor our dead soldiers by staying the course!" What? Honor dead soldiers by killing more?
"Mmmm. But, they have a constitution!" Yes, one that will limit women's rights and promote Islamic law.
"Really? We will stand down as they stand up!" You will really trust an army that's infiltrated by insurgents?
"Oops. But we thought they were going to shower us with flowers!" Iraq is a desert, you idiot.
"D'oh! But the war in Iraq is just like World War II!" Really? When Japan attacked, Roosevelt retaliated by invading Pakistan?
"We wanted to get our grubby little hands on Iraq's oil resources!" Now you're talking.

"Nobody expected that the levees would be breached!" Everyone more intelligent than an amoeba did expect that the Category 3 levees would break.
"Oh, but it is the fault of state and local officials!" I thought you said now is not the time for the blame game.
"Oops, but Governor Blanco did not declare an emergency!" Actually, she did, Friday August 26th. Why did an anonymous senior White House official not know that?
"Darn, but everyone said we had dodged a bullet!" No, all the news reports were saying, 'DEVASTATED!!'. Even Anderson Cooper was wearing a bulletproof vest over his scuba gear.
"Oh, but Brownie is doing a heck of a job!" Actually, he resigned earlier today.
"Really? But I did not want to interfere with the relief effort!" You mean, like grounding all helicopter flights, and using crucial Coast Guard helicopters and firefighters as props for photo ops?
"Okay, to the extent the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility!" And 290 million Americans fainted...
"And I'm just going to throw money at the problem!" You're eroding your base.
"Karl! KARL! KAAAAARL!!!!"

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