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  Pork Projects by State

September 29, 2005: After intensive undercover investigation and hacking into the Blackberry handhelds of several members of Congress, this reporter uncovered pork projects for all 50 states and the federal district that have previously been hidden from public knowledge by the Patriot Act.

  • Alabama: Water project to flood the entire state and turn it into the largest panhandle extension of the Gulf of Mexico to be used for an annual sailboat regatta ($351 million)
  • Alaska: Transportation project to build an elevated six lane highway across Canada to Washington state to avoid having to go through customs ($20.1 billion)
  • Arizona: Water project to build a dam wall in the Colorado river that will flood the Grand Canyon and create the largest and longest ice rink in the world in winter ($1.8 billion)
  • Arkansas: Landscaping project to import iron ore to increase the size of Little Rock and rename it to Big Rock ($980 million)
  • California: Transportation project to install several thousand pedestrian conveyor belts to facilitate immigration from Mexico (131 million)
  • Colorado: Landscaping project to bulldoze the Rocky Mountains into a single peak that will exceed Mount Everest in elevation and place the highest point on earth in the USA ($20 billion)
  • Connecticut: Tourism project to connect the Appalachian Trail in one giant loop so that tourist dollars do not leave the state ($45 million)
  • Delaware: Advertising project to make people aware that Delaware is not a competitor of Tupperware ($550 million)
  • Florida: Space project to spacelift the entire Florida Keys to the moon to provide a more exclusive summer home for Canadian retirees ($110 billion)
  • Georgia: Commerce project to recruit younger air hostesses for Delta Airlines ($230 million)
  • Hawaii: Transportation project to build a submerged six lane highway to Tokyo to facilitate trade and tourism with Asia ($100 billion).
  • Idaho: Demographic project to import at least one liberal voter to the state ($230 thousand)
  • Illinois: Demographic project to export the poor population to Louisiana where they can benefit from federal assistance programs ($160 million)
  • Indiana: State symbol project to rename the state to Nativia Americana because Indiana is not politically correct ($68 million)
  • Iowa: Legal project to lift state endorsement of the Eighteenth Amendment that prohibited intoxicating liquor in 1920 ($5.5 million)
  • Kansas: Charity project to donate the World's second largest Shovel to Colorado ($6 million)
  • Kentucky: Air quality project to install giant Febreze spray equipment to rid the state of the oily smell of fried chicken ($540 million)
  • Nevada: Scientific project to install complex optical instruments and remote DNA sensing equipment on the mountains surrounding Area 51 to prove the federal government is hiding aliens at the facility ($540 million)
  • Louisiana: Civil protection project to erect a gigantic 'No Entry, Hurricanes Strictly Forbidden' sign facing the Gulf of Mexico and a smaller 'Storm Surge Strictly Forbidden' sign facing Lake Pontchartrain ($1.2 billion)
  • Maine: State symbol project to change the name of the state to Minore since it never features in any major news ($120 million)
  • Maryland: State symbol project to rename the state to Bettyland since more female babies in the state are now being named Betty as opposed to Mary ($20 million)
  • Massachusetts: Public relations project to destroy any historical evidence of and deny any connection with John Kerry ($20 million)
  • Michigan: Subversion project to discourage and undermine the use of public transportation in the other 49 states ($100 million)
  • Minnesota: Civil protection project to relocate the Iron Range to the shores of Lake Superior to serve as a levee system ($100 billion)
  • Mississippi: Tourism project to drain the Mississippi river and turn it into a giant skateboard halfpipe ($100 billion)
  • Missouri: Defense project to erect observation posts and bunkers on the borders of the eight adjacent states in case one turns renegade ($880 million)
  • Montana: Defense project to erect anti-aircraft batteries to protect its long border with Canada against intrusion by Canada's single operational fighter jet ($760 million)
  • Nebraska: Environment project to erect a giant carbon dioxide emitter to trigger another Ice Age, so that glaciers can better reshape the state's geography ($200 million)
  • New Hampshire: Geographic project to give the Old Man of the Mountain a facelift ($150 million)
  • New Jersey: State symbol project to adopt the Jersey cow as official seal ($20 million)
  • New Mexico: State naming project to rename the state to New Spaniel to complement the bordering Mexican state of Chihuahua ($80 million)
  • New York: Tourism project to give Lady Liberty a boob job, collagen injections and liposuction ($200 million)
  • North Carolina: Public health project to erect large 'No Smoking' signs facing the Smoky Mountains ($80 million)
  • North Dakota: Civil defense project to erect giant 'No Entry, Tornadoes Prohibited' signs across the state ($200 million)
  • Ohio: Landscaping project to paint the Great Black Swamp in a more pleasing light eggshell hue ($400 million)
  • Oklahoma: Civil defense project to permanently seal off the entrance of the Tornado Alley ($900 million)
  • Oregon: Tourism project to install giant champagne dispensers at the crest of the Cascade Mountains ($2 billion)
  • Pennsylvania: Construction project to plug the Delaware Water Gap ($650 million)
  • Rhode Island: Commerce project to sell the Jewels of the Bay to the De Beers group ($50 million)
  • South Carolina: Education project to teach the state inhabitants an accent that the other 49 states can understand ($800 million)
  • South Dakota: City naming project to rename the capital, Pierre, to Sitting Bull so that visiting celebrities do not confuse the capital with their hairdresser ($90 million)
  • Texas: Roofing project to cover the entire state with a retractable roof and make it the world's largest indoor cattle ranch ($300 billion)
  • Tennessee: Civil privacy project to install a giant screen between the state and the Lookout Mountain in bordering Georgia ($65 million)
  • Utah: Demographic project to attract more eligible females to the state (200 million)
  • Vermont: Advertizing project to educate the public that 'Vermont' is not the brand name of a mice and lice incubator ($3 billion)
  • Virginia: Public relations project to convince the other 49 states that inhabitants of Virginia do not procreate by means of artificial insemination ($590 million)
  • Washington: Civil protection project to install a giant chimney on Mount Rainier to direct future volcanic eruptions into space ($5 billion)
  • Washington DC: Climate control project to install giant extractor fans to disperse the hot air generated in the district, and a commerce project to export the precursor of industrial fertilizer that is produced by the district ($2 billion)
  • West Virginia: Tourism project to elevate the New River Gorge Bridge by another 5,000 feet to facilitate more exhilarating BASE jumping ($700 million)
  • Wisconsin: Geographic project to drain Lake Superior and market the site to Japanese tourists as the largest meteor crater on earth ($3 billion)
  • Wyoming: Geographic project to relocate the Big Horn Mountains to be situated on top of the Devil's Tower ($500 billion)
***
Background: Michelle Malkin, Tapcott's Copy Desk, psychophil

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