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  Prime Time Address By President Bush from New Orleans

September 15, 2005: Tonight, President Bush delivered a prime time address to the nation from New Orleans.

This reporter hacked into Karl Rove's Blackberry and found a draft of the President's speech.

"Good evening. With all these lights on me it really looks like day. yuk yuk yuk yuk. I am speaking to you from the city of New Orleans. I was watching ESPN when we landed, I think we landed in New Orleans. Millions of lives were changed in a day by a cruel and wasteful storm, most of all mine. Have you seen my atrocious poll numbers!?"

"In the aftermath, we have seen fellow citizens left stunned and uprooted. Well, you have, I've been too busy with my vacation and worrying about Cindy Sheehan to watch television. We have also witnessed the kind of desperation no citizen of this great and generous Nation should ever have to know – vulnerable people left at the mercy of criminals because of the slow Federal response."

"You need to know that our whole Nation cares about you, especially if you are rich. And we intend to demonstrate how much we care about you by repealing the Estate Tax laws. And tonight I also offer this pledge of the American people: Throughout the area hit by the hurricane, we will do what it takes to maximize big business profits. For example, we have already eradicated fair wage requirements to help those friends of mine in the reconstruction business underpay local workers."

"Evacuees who have not yet registered should contact FEMA or the Red Cross. Please call 1-877-568-3317. If you call within the next 30 minutes, we will send you a FEMA t-shirt and a framed picture of Mike Brown free of charge. The Social Security Administration is delivering checks, until I am able to kill Social Security. To carry out the first stages of the relief effort and begin the rebuilding at once, I have asked for, and the Congress has provided, more than 60 billion dollars. The largest proportion of this money has already been allocated in no bid contracts to my friends and largest campaign contributors."

As all of you us saw on television, there is also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. And that poverty has roots in a history of racial discrimination, which cut off generations from the opportunity of America. We have a duty to confront this poverty with bold action. Hey, that makes me sound just like a Democrat president, yuk yuk yuk yuk. An example of such bold action is to do away with fair wages."

"Tonight I propose the creation of a Gulf Halliburton Opportunity Zone. I propose the creation of Worker Recovery Accounts to help those evacuees who need extra help finding below fair wage work. In the long run, the New Orleans area has a particular challenge, because much of the city lies below sea level and they vote Democrat. Protecting a city that sits lower than the water around it is not easy, especially if you slash their levee protection budget year after year."

"I propose the creation of Worker Recovery Accounts to help those evacuees who need extra help finding work. Under this plan, the federal government would provide accounts of up to $5,000, which these evacuees could draw upon for job training and education to help them get a good job and for child care expenses during their job search. After Hurricane Katrina, I can no longer ignore and deny the poor in New Orleans. It will be really bad for me politically. I am still ignoring the equally poor in Detroit, Washington DC, and in scores of other cities around the country until they too become a political problem for me."

"The work that has begun in the Gulf Coast region will be one of the largest reconstruction efforts the world has ever seen. My advice to everyone in America, and especially people who want to become rich like me and my friends, is, buy Halliburton shares now. When that job is done, all Americans will have something to be very proud of, millions of dollars worth of Halliburton shares."

"I've put Karl Rove in charge of the federal reconstruction effort, to ensure that it is done in the most politically expedient way for me and the Republican Party. And I am confident that Karl is fully qualified to manage a $200 billion budget. Note from Karl to self: Fudge resume."

"The private fundraising effort led by former Presidents Bush and Clinton has already received pledges of more than 100 million dollars. Some of that money is going to Republican governors, to be used for immediate needs within their states, like Swift Boat ads and 2006 campaign posters. A very small portion will also be sent to local houses of worship, to help reimburse them for the expense of filling the federal response void, helping others. The rest of the money will go to big businesses who have supported me in the past."

"The government of this nation will do its part as well, now that we have woken up at long last after we realized what a political problem our indifference and our lacklustre response have created for me and the Republican Party."

"Four years after the frightening experience of September 11th, BOO!!!, Americans have every right to expect a more effective response in a time of emergency. When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I as President am responsible for the problem, and for the solution. You know, it took me nearly five years to figure that one out. I'm not much of a reader, so I only read the job description of the President of the United States three days ago. However, having said that, let me clarify. Being responsible does not mean being accountable. I don't mean that I am to blame, I just mean that I own any problem in the federal response that the Republican White Wash Commission won't be able to suppress."

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