Duplex Dude

Duplex Dude

 


  Blog Moved

Please visit my blog at its new address:

http://duplexdude.typepad.com

Looking forward to seeing you there!

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  Dick Cheney Points Himself Out as Leak in Plamegate

Washington: Vice President Dick Cheney pointed to himself as the leak in Plamegate today.

A few months ago, according to a senior White House source, President Bush secretly tasked the vice president to investigate the leak internally in the Administration and find the culprit.

It probably wasn't such a bright idea. Back in 1999, Cheney nominated himself as candidate for vice president when he was tasked to search for suitable candidates.

In similar fashion once again, in this leak investigation, he concluded that he was the best candidate.

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  Cheney Resignation Rumors Fly

USNews reports government officials and advisers are passing around rumors that the vice president might step aside and that President Bush would elevate Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Cheney Resignation Rumors Fly

First seen on ThinkProgress.

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  Chinook Helicopter Runs Out of Fuel in Iraq, Lands on Highway

Chinook Helicopter Runs Out of Fuel in Iraq, Lands on Highway
 
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  Charlize Theron Expelled from Entertainment Industry for Marrying Outsider

Los Angeles: Possessor of one of the loveliest faces on the planet, Charlize Theron was expelled from Hollywood and the entertainment industry for marrying someone outside the entertainment industry.

Theron married childhood sweetheart Boetie Botha in a secret ceremony in Benoni, South Africa last Saturday.

Absolutely unacceptable. Utterly shocking. Disgraceful. A mud stain on the image of Hollywood. Those were the general sentiments expressed by fellow actors, producers, and agents.

"She will never work in one of my movies," said Stephen Spielberg. "You don't break with a sacred Hollywood tradition and not pay the price for it."

The habitual inbreeding of Hollywood performers is a source of great entertainment and gossip for bored housewives, and the primary source of revenue for the paparazzi.

Theron, who has previously shown her rebellious side when she broke away from the pretty girl mold by playing an ugly overweight serial killer in Monster, refuses to be governed by Hollywood's petty rules.

"I don't want my children to be genetically deficient from inbreeding and grow up to be stupid, spoiled, and snotty bastards," she said.

Theron said she will choose a new profession where she can still perform as an actor. She hasn't decided yet between running for governor of California and becoming a televangelist.

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  Model Shows New Category 3 Hurricane Hairstyle

Model Shows New Category 3 Hurricane Hairstyle

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  Bush Breaks Out In Song Over Iraq Referendum

Washington: At a loss for suitable words to express his delight with the Iraq constitution referendum, President Bush stunned reporters and Laura by breaking out in song in a deep baritone voice on the White House lawn yesterday.

Bush Breaks Out in Song Over Iraq Constitution

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  MacDonald’s and Starbucks Lobby Stupid Consumer Act

Washington: Lobbyists representing MacDonald’s, Starbucks and several other companies in the fast food industry are lobbying members of Congress for the introduction of what they call the Stupid Consumer Act.

A similar bill, the Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act, also known as the Cheeseburger Bill, was voted down in the Senate in 2004. The Act aimed to protect producers and retailers of foods from an increasing number of suits and class action suits by obese consumers.

The Stupid Consumer Act will go much further in protecting company rights than the Cheeseburger Bill.

In addition to allowing the companies to sue consumers for being bloody morons, it also introduces mandatory IQ and dexterity tests that must be administered by fast food outlets before allowing consumers to purchase their lethal products, like hot coffee.

For protection against abuse of fattening foods, the Act requires food outlets to track the calorie intake of their customers and deny service when the threat level turns red in the customer's record on the cash register.

Also mandatory is the replacement of the line-up area with a giant treadmill or an adapted version of the Stairmaster.

"The Stupid Consumer Act has the best interest of the consumer as its goal," said one of the lobbyists.

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  Model Shows New Skydive Hairstyle

Model Shows New Skydive Hairstyle

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  News of the Harriet Miers Nomination Reached the Zoo Today

News of the Harriet Miers Nomination Reached the Zoo Today

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  Los Angeles Postal Letter Carriers Quit, Become Coal Miners

Los Angeles: The American Postal Workers Union (APWU) announced today that all its union members working as city letter carriers in the Los Angeles metropolitan area have resigned from the United States Postal Service (USPS).

A spokesperson for the APWU said they negotiated contracts with Massey Energy Co. and Arch Coal Inc. for the letter carriers to become miners in the coal mines in the Appalachia.

Mining is the second-most deadly industry, based on U.S. Labor Department data, but the APWU found through numerous studies that it is still safer than being a letter carrier in Los Angeles.

"The smog of Los Angeles is far more toxic than the gases and coal dust found in coal mines," the spokesperson for APWU said. "We also lose dozens of our Los Angeles union members every year due to negligent and intoxicated motorists and from dog and other exotic pet bites. The exotic pet threat is particularly problematic in the Hollywood area."

"In the coal mines our union members will be safe from all those hazards," the spokesperson said, "and instead of shuttling mail back and forth they will be shuttling coal back and forth. The transition should be very easy because their skills are transferable."

One of the letter carriers expressed his delight: "It's really cool. We will make more money and play with explosives."

This influx of new miners also goes a long way towards solving the shortage of workers that the coal mines in the Appalachia region have been experiencing since the late 1990's.

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  Struggling Models Just Skin and Bone

Struggling Models Just Skin and Bone

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  Jaguar Recalls Karl Rove's Car, Cites Fears of Product Image Disaster

Jaguar Recalls Karl Rove's Car, Cites Fears of Product Image Disaster

The dealership manager is seen here in the picture taking Rove's Jaguar from his garage and driving it to the dealership. Jaguar recalled Rove's vehicle due to fears of permanent damage to their product image if Rove is continued to be seen driving one of their vehicles.

Hat tip: BottleOfBlog

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  Studies by Humans Affect Pandas

Studies by Humans Affect Pandas

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  Iraq Constitution Referendum Bogged Down in Recount

Baghdad: Shortly after vote counting began in Iraq's constitution referendum this evening, the process became bogged down in a recount ala Florida 2000.

"As voting stations started to report their initial results," said Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari, "there were ominous signs that most Iraqis have voted against the constitution. It is an unacceptable situation."

Voting stations have been instructed to look for chads, accidental ink blotches, fingerprint smudges, small tears, rips, or dogears in the ballot paper, untidy folding of the ballot paper, and various other faults on the ballot that can be used to discount the no votes.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush assembled an emergency team of vote recount experts. The team will arrive in Baghdad later tonight to advise the Iraq government in additional techniques to disqualify undesirable votes.

Prime Minister al-Jaafari is optimistic that the recount will ratify the constitution. "I am confident it will work, but if it doesn't we will send the matter to our version of the Supreme Court for a final decision."

As news of the recount filtered through to the population, large groups of angry Iraqis assembled in the streets waving purple fingers in the air.

Western reporters, restricted to reporting from their hotel lobbies by ongoing violence, are relying on Iraqi runners to bring them the latest developments from the voting stations.

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  Fashion for the Dissociative Identity Disorder Sufferers

Fashion for the Dissociative Identity Disorder Sufferers

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  Russia Begs USA, Deport All Our Political Commissars

Moscow: President Vladimir Putin directed an urgent appeal to President George Bush today for the United States to send back all Russia's political commissars.

After the demise of the Soviet Union and introduction of democracy in Russia, hundreds of Soviet political commissars found themselves out of work and emigrated to the United States to look for brighter futures.

Life in the USA was tough for them at first, but since 2001 they have found themselves in high demand again in the U.S. public sector.

Demand for their skills is illustrated by a Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER) news release on October 13, 2005:

The National Park Service has started using a political loyalty test for picking all its top civil service positions... Under the new order, all mid-level managers and above must also be approved by a Bush administration political appointee.

Russia recognizes that its political agenda is spinning out of control and lacks fundamental implementation energy due to the loss of its political commissars.

"We understand that the United States also needs political commissars," said President Putin, "but they can use their own citizens. We are willing to train them. However, we desperately need our commissars back here."

A spokesman for the Chinese government said they are withdrawing the passports of their political commissars to prevent them from abandoning their jobs and going to work for the Bush administration at much higher salaries.

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  Bird Flu Affecting Large Flocks

Bird Flu Affecting Large Flocks

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  Why Is Dick Cheney So Quiet? He's Busy Searching For WMD

Why Is Dick Cheney So Quiet? He's Still Searching For WMD

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  Farm Rooster Rejected by Big City Chicken Beauty

Rooster Rejected by Chicken Beauty

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  Expiry Date of Bush Products Overestimated?

Washington: The US Consumer Council announced today that they fear the expiry date on most products manufactured by Bush Incorporated may be overestimated, and warned consumers to buy with extreme caution.

Bush Incorporated was founded on January 20, 2001 by George Bush Jr. At that time the company had set the expiry date of its products to January 20, 2005.

According to current Bush company policy, the expiry dates on all its products are set for January 20, 2009. Recent discoveries have raised concerns that many products may spoil and cause serious risk long before that date.

"We have received numerous complaints of products that are already in an advanced state of decay," a spokesman for the Consumer Council said.

Of particular concern are numerous bad apples that were recently discovered, as well as products being exported to the Middle East that are decaying much faster than anticipated. Calls from scores of consumers to recall those products have gone unheeded by the company.

Numerous incidents of inferior products being put to market have also been uncovered in the past months. Company officials are consistent in their denial that some of their products are of inferior quality.

Recent consumer polling showed that overall only 28% of consumers have any confidence left in the company's products while only 2% of African-American consumers plan to buy any of the products.

Amongst liberal spenders, there is almost no confidence left in the company. Its traditional base of loyal conservative buyers is fracturing into disillusioned and disgruntled consumers.

These troubling developments cause serious business risk to Bush Inc as a whole and may result in the company going out of business before the estimated expiry date of its products.

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  Professional Boxer Walks Into Near Invisible Glass Panel in Ring

Professional Boxer Walks Into Near Invisible Glass Panel in Ring

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  Bush Holds Impromptu Teleconference With Soldiers In Tikrit

Bush Holds Impromptu Teleconference With Soldiers In Tikrit

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  Harriet Miers Visits Senators to Discuss Nomination

Harriet Miers Visits Senators to Discuss Nomination

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  Model Shows New Fashion and More...

Model Shows New Fashion and More...

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  South Africa's Thabo Mbeki Addresses UN Security Council on Iraq

South Africa Thabo Mbeki Addresses UN Security Council on Iraq

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  Bush Unveils His New Fuel Efficient Presidential Limo

Bush Unveils His New Fuel Efficient Presidential Limo

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  Chinese Rocket Sends Four Illegal Immigrants to the Moon

Beijing: China launched its Long March 2F rocket yesterday carrying a Shenzhou VI from the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center. Onboard the Shenzhou are four illegal Chinese immigrants who will spend two weeks exploring the moon.

"It is a proud day in our young manned space exploration history," said Chinese President Hu Jintao, "as well as in our long tradition of population exportation."

Chinese authorities predict that the usual destinations for illegal Chinese immigrants, such as the USA, Canada and Australia, will become saturated within the next decade. Immigration authorities in those countries have also become familiar with the methods of smuggling illegal immigrants across the borders.

"We have to find new foreign destinations," continued President Jintao, "where our citizens can settle and make a better living. Our pioneers onboard the Shenzhou will study and report back on the immigration procedures and economic prospects of the moon."

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Shenzhou will visit the International Space Station to determine if there is any room onboard for a few illegal immigrants.

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  US Soldier Falls Into Underground Bunker

US Soldier Falls Into Underground Bunker

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  What's On The Minds of White House Officials Today

What's On The Minds of White House Officials Today

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  President Bush Uses Military to Boost His Credibility

President Bush Uses Military to Boost His Credibility

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  Trucker Discovers Fastest Growing Tree in the World

Wendell, ID: Trucker Dave Wilson yesterday discovered by accident the fastest growing tree in the world.

"Last night when I parked my truck at this rest stop there was nothing," he said, "and then when I woke up this morning my truck was halfway up the tree. I almost broke my neck when I got up out of my bunk."

Scientists examined the tree and concluded that Wilson must have parked the truck on top of the tree seed.

"This is the first time in a century," one scientist noted, "that humans discovered a new tree species. It is very exciting."

The scientists decided to name the tree "Explosa Grovarium", with the more common name of the Overnight Tree.

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  Democrats Seem to Lack Courage and Coherent Strategy

Democrats Seem to Lack Courage and Coherent Strategy

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  Half German Half English Demonstrator Mistakenly Manhandled

Half German Half English Demonstrator Mistakenly Manhandled

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  Cheeky Australian Women Protest Abuse of Sheep

Cheeky Australian Women Protest Abuse of Sheep

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  Australian Women Protest Abuse of Sheep

Australian Women Protest Abuse of Sheep

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  Typical Day At The Office For Canada's Paul Martin

Typical Day At The Office for Canada's Paul Martin

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  German Chancellor Angela Merkel Had To Rely on Pavlov

New German Chancellor Angela Merkel Relied on Pavlov

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  Karen Hughes Discloses Major Findings of Middle East Visit

Washington: Under Secretary of State Karen Hughes, thrusted aid to President Bush and United States' new public relations chief, disclosed today the major findings she made on her tour of the Middle East.

"The primary finding we made," Hughes said during a press conference, "is that there are Arabs in the Middle East. Millions of them. More surprizing was the discovery that most of them are Muslims that are astoundingly civilized. I cannot speak of the countries I did not visit, but one could probably safely extrapolate the same demographics to those countries, namely an Arab population of at least 100% if not more."

Hughes tried on an abaya and found it a rather liberating experience. "There's no need to wax one's mustache every day," she said, "and the few extra pounds do not show."

Hughes announced her next mission will be to visit Russia and investigate what nationality the citizenry consist of and what languages they speak so that her office can developed customized information campaigns to promote the Adminstration's policies in that country.

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  Caution, Be Respectful Towards Pigeons

Caution, Be Respectful Towards Pigeons

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  Pat Robertson Renews Chavez Attacks, and...

Pat Robertson Renews Chavez Attacks

Background: The Australian

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  Two European Models Slightly Electrocuted

Two European Models Slightly Electrocuted

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  Bush Pushes Hard for Acceptance of Iraq Constitution

Bush Pushes Hard for Acceptance of Iraq Constitution

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  New York Police Search Commuter Bags for WMD

New York Police Search Commuter Bags for WMD

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  Do You Know People Who Are Like This?

Do You Know People Who Are Like This?

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  International Carefree Society Criticizes Worrior Conference

Stockholm: The chairman of the International Carefree Society (ICS), Herbert Frisby, held a strongly worded press conference today criticizing the International Worrior Federation (IWF) conference held in the Brussels recently.

"I don't give a s-t how many people congregate in a conference facility to worry about stuff," he said, "It is not going to change anything about anything. To be fair though, what they did accomplish was assemble the largest congregation of ulcers in one room in modern history."

The ICS' founding principle is the belief that it is pointless to worry about things one cannot influence or control. According to their 2004 annual report their members have the lowest cholesterol levels and lowest divorce rates in the world.

Frisby continued: "People complain because they worry too much. They make enemies by worrying about getting ahead and getting more. Let me tell you, worrying is at the root of most problems in the world today."

"But I don't give a damn," he concluded.

Anybody is welcome to join the Federation by calling 1-800-WHOCARE. New members receive a welcome pack with tips on how to stop worrying, a complimentary copy of the Mad Magazine and a bumper sticker that reads, 'I don't give a damn'.

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  Iraq Constitution Helps Iraqi Women cont'd

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  Iraq Constitution Helps Iraqi Women

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  Iraq's Bayan Jabr Learns From President Bush

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  If Our Dogs Could Talk



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  Model Shows New Fashion for Politicians



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  Iraq Government Delivers Draft Constitution to Iraqi People



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  France Unveils International Viagra Victim Monument

Lille, France: Authorities unveiled today a monument dedicated to victims of the effects of Viagra.

"This monument honors men and women across the world," Kofi Annan said, "who have died with smiles on their faces. It reminds us that too much of a good thing can be detrimental to our health."

Many victims of Viagra die from severe exhaustion, heart failure, falling down stairs due to unusual gravitational forces on the body, running away from desperate husbands and being run over by a bus, severe protein deficiency, and accidental stabbings with grown members.

A spokesperson for the Viagra company said, although deeply regrettable, those incidents are in the minority and the company prints large warnings on the product packaging to protect itself from lawsuits.

The unveiling ceremony was attended by many foreign dignitaries, including former presidents and members of the United States Congress.

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There's much more in the Archives! Scroll to the top and look in the righthand column for "Archives"

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