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  Archimedes Started All The Screwing Around

Athens: Members of the Greek Regional Orthodox World Network (GROWN) announced today that they have found, through intensive historical and contemporary studies, that Archimedes was the instigator of all the screwing around going on in the world today.

Archimedes (287 BC–212 BC) was an ancient mathematician from the Greek seaport colony of Syracuse. He is known for inventing many mathematical equations as well as numerous mechanical devices.

"The most socially corrupting invention of Archimedes," said a GROWN member, "was the infamous Archimedes Screw Pump."

Even to the purest of mind, just saying it out loud makes one begin to comprehend how immoral an invention it was.

What started with Archimedes as a simple screw pump has evolved over the centuries into the most disgusting and morally offensive behaviors, according to the chief member.

Tracing the evolution of the device, the GROWN members found the following almost unspeakable monstrosities in its wake:

  • Lobe pump, smoothed over today as 'screwing your brains out'
  • Diaphragm pump, cunningly disguised by Vogue magazine as 'birth control'
  • Nodding donkey pump, widely masked today by many as 'doggie style'
  • Turbo pump, artfully coined by the modern politically correct crowd as 'nymphomania'
  • Hydraulic ram pump, sneakily masked by women today as 'give it to me baby!'
  • Vacuum pump, cleverly concealed today as the 'blowjob'
  • Submersible pump, widely disguised today as 'I want it all the way in'
  • Circumferential piston pump, commonly shielded today as 'size matters'
  • Split case centrifugal pump, widely masqueraded today as the 'two-some'
  • Axial flow pump, broadly hidden by many today as 'using the backdoor'
  • Stirrup pump, commonly masked by modern couples as 'she is on top tonight'
  • Common hand pump, maliciously concealed today by many as 'masturbation'
  • Vane pump, widely cloaked today as 'seeing if I still got it'
  • Peristaltic pump, cleverly disguised today as 'she is really wild in bed'
Explained the chief GROWN member: "Trust human nature to take a simple corrupt thing and evolve it into the ultimate manifestation of evil."

Senior GROWN members are planning to launch an aggressive information campaign to educate the world population on the subversion of moral standards that started with Archimedes.

"We will expose him for the dangerous and dirty old man that he really was," concluded the member.

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