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  The Rosetta Stone Finally Translated

Cairo, Egypt: Egyptian archeologists and historical linguists have finally succeeded in translating the Rosetta Stone.

French Captain Pierre-Fran├žois Bouchard (1772-1832) discovered the stone in the Egyptian port city of Rosetta (present-day Rashid) on July 15, 1799. The dark granite stone's Egyptian hieroglyphs have puzzled historians for decades. They believed that unlocking the wisdom and history contained in the text would vastly improve modern understanding of ancient civilizations.

What they did find was mildly intriguing but not as enlightening as expected.

To: Pharaoh Tutankhamen,

You had no right to call me a bitch the other night. Yes, I did have PMS but I know that I control it very well.

At first I thought you were a god, but now I know that you are just another male chauvinist pig. How else does one explain your statement that night that "a woman is not worthy to rule Egypt"? Curses and damnation! You ignorant and bombastic bastard!

Oh yes, and you think I'm stupid, don't you. I know about you and Nefertiti. All those times you had to go on 'important Pharaoh business' while I sat at home weaving baskets. You slimy two-faced desert rat of a stinking son of a dead skunk! Tell that whore to stay out of my way if she knows what is good for her. By Isis, I will scratch her eyes out and feed them to your pet monkey!

I know why you commissioned the construction of that massive pyramid. It is to make up for that pitiful inferior member of yours. You know, I never complained because I loved you, but let me clear my conscience and tell you that I was never satisfied.

Yes, great and mighty Pharaoh Tutankhamen, I faked it every single time. I have had more fun with a hotdog. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it, you egotistical twit.

It is over between us. Done. Finished.

Get on with your life. Asshole.

Sincerely,

Cleopatra

PS. I chose this stone as my tablet instead of papyrus in the hope that you drop it on your foot or break your toe against it.


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