Duplex Dude

Blog Moved

2005-10-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

Please visit my blog at its new address:

http://duplexdude.typepad.com

Looking forward to seeing you there!

Dick Cheney Points Himself Out as Leak in Plamegate

2005-10-18T15:22:00.000-05:00

Washington: Vice President Dick Cheney pointed to himself as the leak in Plamegate today.

A few months ago, according to a senior White House source, President Bush secretly tasked the vice president to investigate the leak internally in the Administration and find the culprit.

It probably wasn't such a bright idea. Back in 1999, Cheney nominated himself as candidate for vice president when he was tasked to search for suitable candidates.

In similar fashion once again, in this leak investigation, he concluded that he was the best candidate.

Filed Under: white-house politics bogus-news

Cheney Resignation Rumors Fly

2005-10-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

USNews reports government officials and advisers are passing around rumors that the vice president might step aside and that President Bush would elevate Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

First seen on ThinkProgress.

Filed Under: white-house politics photo-comic

Chinook Helicopter Runs Out of Fuel in Iraq, Lands on Highway

2005-10-18T10:32:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

Charlize Theron Expelled from Entertainment Industry for Marrying Outsider

2005-10-18T04:03:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles: Possessor of one of the loveliest faces on the planet, Charlize Theron was expelled from Hollywood and the entertainment industry for marrying someone outside the entertainment industry.

Theron married childhood sweetheart Boetie Botha in a secret ceremony in Benoni, South Africa last Saturday.

Absolutely unacceptable. Utterly shocking. Disgraceful. A mud stain on the image of Hollywood. Those were the general sentiments expressed by fellow actors, producers, and agents.

"She will never work in one of my movies," said Stephen Spielberg. "You don't break with a sacred Hollywood tradition and not pay the price for it."

The habitual inbreeding of Hollywood performers is a source of great entertainment and gossip for bored housewives, and the primary source of revenue for the paparazzi.

Theron, who has previously shown her rebellious side when she broke away from the pretty girl mold by playing an ugly overweight serial killer in Monster, refuses to be governed by Hollywood's petty rules.

"I don't want my children to be genetically deficient from inbreeding and grow up to be stupid, spoiled, and snotty bastards," she said.

Theron said she will choose a new profession where she can still perform as an actor. She hasn't decided yet between running for governor of California and becoming a televangelist.

Filed Under: entertainment bogus-news

Model Shows New Category 3 Hurricane Hairstyle

2005-10-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

Bush Breaks Out In Song Over Iraq Referendum

2005-10-17T07:04:00.000-05:00

Washington: At a loss for suitable words to express his delight with the Iraq constitution referendum, President Bush stunned reporters and Laura by breaking out in song in a deep baritone voice on the White House lawn yesterday.

Filed Under: white-house iraq photo-comic

MacDonald’s and Starbucks Lobby Stupid Consumer Act

2005-10-17T06:10:00.000-05:00

Washington: Lobbyists representing MacDonald’s, Starbucks and several other companies in the fast food industry are lobbying members of Congress for the introduction of what they call the Stupid Consumer Act.

A similar bill, the Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act, also known as the Cheeseburger Bill, was voted down in the Senate in 2004. The Act aimed to protect producers and retailers of foods from an increasing number of suits and class action suits by obese consumers.

The Stupid Consumer Act will go much further in protecting company rights than the Cheeseburger Bill.

In addition to allowing the companies to sue consumers for being bloody morons, it also introduces mandatory IQ and dexterity tests that must be administered by fast food outlets before allowing consumers to purchase their lethal products, like hot coffee.

For protection against abuse of fattening foods, the Act requires food outlets to track the calorie intake of their customers and deny service when the threat level turns red in the customer's record on the cash register.

Also mandatory is the replacement of the line-up area with a giant treadmill or an adapted version of the Stairmaster.

"The Stupid Consumer Act has the best interest of the consumer as its goal," said one of the lobbyists.

Filed Under: bogus-news

Model Shows New Skydive Hairstyle

2005-10-16T19:35:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

News of the Harriet Miers Nomination Reached the Zoo Today

2005-10-16T06:51:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: supreme-court politics animals photo-comic

Los Angeles Postal Letter Carriers Quit, Become Coal Miners

2005-10-16T06:03:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles: The American Postal Workers Union (APWU) announced today that all its union members working as city letter carriers in the Los Angeles metropolitan area have resigned from the United States Postal Service (USPS).

A spokesperson for the APWU said they negotiated contracts with Massey Energy Co. and Arch Coal Inc. for the letter carriers to become miners in the coal mines in the Appalachia.

Mining is the second-most deadly industry, based on U.S. Labor Department data, but the APWU found through numerous studies that it is still safer than being a letter carrier in Los Angeles.

"The smog of Los Angeles is far more toxic than the gases and coal dust found in coal mines," the spokesperson for APWU said. "We also lose dozens of our Los Angeles union members every year due to negligent and intoxicated motorists and from dog and other exotic pet bites. The exotic pet threat is particularly problematic in the Hollywood area."

"In the coal mines our union members will be safe from all those hazards," the spokesperson said, "and instead of shuttling mail back and forth they will be shuttling coal back and forth. The transition should be very easy because their skills are transferable."

One of the letter carriers expressed his delight: "It's really cool. We will make more money and play with explosives."

This influx of new miners also goes a long way towards solving the shortage of workers that the coal mines in the Appalachia region have been experiencing since the late 1990's.

Filed Under: bogus-news

Struggling Models Just Skin and Bone

2005-10-15T19:22:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

Jaguar Recalls Karl Rove's Car, Cites Fears of Product Image Disaster

2005-10-15T10:09:00.000-05:00

The dealership manager is seen here in the picture taking Rove's Jaguar from his garage and driving it to the dealership. Jaguar recalled Rove's vehicle due to fears of permanent damage to their product image if Rove is continued to be seen driving one of their vehicles.

Hat tip: BottleOfBlog

Filed Under: white-house politics photo-comic

Studies by Humans Affect Pandas

2005-10-15T10:01:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: animals photo-comic

Iraq Constitution Referendum Bogged Down in Recount

2005-10-15T08:05:00.000-05:00

Baghdad: Shortly after vote counting began in Iraq's constitution referendum this evening, the process became bogged down in a recount ala Florida 2000.

"As voting stations started to report their initial results," said Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari, "there were ominous signs that most Iraqis have voted against the constitution. It is an unacceptable situation."

Voting stations have been instructed to look for chads, accidental ink blotches, fingerprint smudges, small tears, rips, or dogears in the ballot paper, untidy folding of the ballot paper, and various other faults on the ballot that can be used to discount the no votes.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush assembled an emergency team of vote recount experts. The team will arrive in Baghdad later tonight to advise the Iraq government in additional techniques to disqualify undesirable votes.

Prime Minister al-Jaafari is optimistic that the recount will ratify the constitution. "I am confident it will work, but if it doesn't we will send the matter to our version of the Supreme Court for a final decision."

As news of the recount filtered through to the population, large groups of angry Iraqis assembled in the streets waving purple fingers in the air.

Western reporters, restricted to reporting from their hotel lobbies by ongoing violence, are relying on Iraqi runners to bring them the latest developments from the voting stations.

Filed Under: iraq bogus-news

Fashion for the Dissociative Identity Disorder Sufferers

2005-10-15T00:23:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

Russia Begs USA, Deport All Our Political Commissars

2005-10-14T17:25:00.000-05:00

Moscow: President Vladimir Putin directed an urgent appeal to President George Bush today for the United States to send back all Russia's political commissars.

After the demise of the Soviet Union and introduction of democracy in Russia, hundreds of Soviet political commissars found themselves out of work and emigrated to the United States to look for brighter futures.

Life in the USA was tough for them at first, but since 2001 they have found themselves in high demand again in the U.S. public sector.

Demand for their skills is illustrated by a Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER) news release on October 13, 2005:

The National Park Service has started using a political loyalty test for picking all its top civil service positions... Under the new order, all mid-level managers and above must also be approved by a Bush administration political appointee.

Russia recognizes that its political agenda is spinning out of control and lacks fundamental implementation energy due to the loss of its political commissars.

"We understand that the United States also needs political commissars," said President Putin, "but they can use their own citizens. We are willing to train them. However, we desperately need our commissars back here."

A spokesman for the Chinese government said they are withdrawing the passports of their political commissars to prevent them from abandoning their jobs and going to work for the Bush administration at much higher salaries.

Filed Under: white-house politics russia bogus-news

Bird Flu Affecting Large Flocks

2005-10-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: animals photo-comic

Why Is Dick Cheney So Quiet? He's Busy Searching For WMD

2005-10-14T11:41:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house iraq politics photo-comic

Farm Rooster Rejected by Big City Chicken Beauty

2005-10-14T07:29:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: animals photo-comic

Expiry Date of Bush Products Overestimated?

2005-10-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

Washington: The US Consumer Council announced today that they fear the expiry date on most products manufactured by Bush Incorporated may be overestimated, and warned consumers to buy with extreme caution.

Bush Incorporated was founded on January 20, 2001 by George Bush Jr. At that time the company had set the expiry date of its products to January 20, 2005.

According to current Bush company policy, the expiry dates on all its products are set for January 20, 2009. Recent discoveries have raised concerns that many products may spoil and cause serious risk long before that date.

"We have received numerous complaints of products that are already in an advanced state of decay," a spokesman for the Consumer Council said.

Of particular concern are numerous bad apples that were recently discovered, as well as products being exported to the Middle East that are decaying much faster than anticipated. Calls from scores of consumers to recall those products have gone unheeded by the company.

Numerous incidents of inferior products being put to market have also been uncovered in the past months. Company officials are consistent in their denial that some of their products are of inferior quality.

Recent consumer polling showed that overall only 28% of consumers have any confidence left in the company's products while only 2% of African-American consumers plan to buy any of the products.

Amongst liberal spenders, there is almost no confidence left in the company. Its traditional base of loyal conservative buyers is fracturing into disillusioned and disgruntled consumers.

These troubling developments cause serious business risk to Bush Inc as a whole and may result in the company going out of business before the estimated expiry date of its products.

Filed Under: white-house politics bogus-news

Professional Boxer Walks Into Near Invisible Glass Panel in Ring

2005-10-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: sports photo-comic

Bush Holds Impromptu Teleconference With Soldiers In Tikrit

2005-10-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house iraq politics photo-comic

Harriet Miers Visits Senators to Discuss Nomination

2005-10-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: supreme-court politics photo-comic

Model Shows New Fashion and More...

2005-10-13T08:25:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

South Africa's Thabo Mbeki Addresses UN Security Council on Iraq

2005-10-13T08:22:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: south-africa photo-comic

Bush Unveils His New Fuel Efficient Presidential Limo

2005-10-13T06:46:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house politics animals photo-comic

Chinese Rocket Sends Four Illegal Immigrants to the Moon

2005-10-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Beijing: China launched its Long March 2F rocket yesterday carrying a Shenzhou VI from the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center. Onboard the Shenzhou are four illegal Chinese immigrants who will spend two weeks exploring the moon.

"It is a proud day in our young manned space exploration history," said Chinese President Hu Jintao, "as well as in our long tradition of population exportation."

Chinese authorities predict that the usual destinations for illegal Chinese immigrants, such as the USA, Canada and Australia, will become saturated within the next decade. Immigration authorities in those countries have also become familiar with the methods of smuggling illegal immigrants across the borders.

"We have to find new foreign destinations," continued President Jintao, "where our citizens can settle and make a better living. Our pioneers onboard the Shenzhou will study and report back on the immigration procedures and economic prospects of the moon."

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Shenzhou will visit the International Space Station to determine if there is any room onboard for a few illegal immigrants.

Filed Under: china science bogus-news

US Soldier Falls Into Underground Bunker

2005-10-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

What's On The Minds of White House Officials Today

2005-10-12T11:01:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house politics photo-comic

President Bush Uses Military to Boost His Credibility

2005-10-12T07:23:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house politics photo-comic

Trucker Discovers Fastest Growing Tree in the World

2005-10-12T06:11:00.000-05:00

Wendell, ID: Trucker Dave Wilson yesterday discovered by accident the fastest growing tree in the world.

"Last night when I parked my truck at this rest stop there was nothing," he said, "and then when I woke up this morning my truck was halfway up the tree. I almost broke my neck when I got up out of my bunk."

Scientists examined the tree and concluded that Wilson must have parked the truck on top of the tree seed.

"This is the first time in a century," one scientist noted, "that humans discovered a new tree species. It is very exciting."

The scientists decided to name the tree "Explosa Grovarium", with the more common name of the Overnight Tree.

Filed Under: science bogus-news

Democrats Seem to Lack Courage and Coherent Strategy

2005-10-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: politics photo-comic

Half German Half English Demonstrator Mistakenly Manhandled

2005-10-11T18:09:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

Cheeky Australian Women Protest Abuse of Sheep

2005-10-11T16:07:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: australia photo-comic

Australian Women Protest Abuse of Sheep

2005-10-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: australia photo-comic

Typical Day At The Office For Canada's Paul Martin

2005-10-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: canada politics photo-comic

German Chancellor Angela Merkel Had To Rely on Pavlov

2005-10-11T14:36:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: germany politics photo-comic

Karen Hughes Discloses Major Findings of Middle East Visit

2005-10-11T14:08:00.000-05:00

Washington: Under Secretary of State Karen Hughes, thrusted aid to President Bush and United States' new public relations chief, disclosed today the major findings she made on her tour of the Middle East.

"The primary finding we made," Hughes said during a press conference, "is that there are Arabs in the Middle East. Millions of them. More surprizing was the discovery that most of them are Muslims that are astoundingly civilized. I cannot speak of the countries I did not visit, but one could probably safely extrapolate the same demographics to those countries, namely an Arab population of at least 100% if not more."

Hughes tried on an abaya and found it a rather liberating experience. "There's no need to wax one's mustache every day," she said, "and the few extra pounds do not show."

Hughes announced her next mission will be to visit Russia and investigate what nationality the citizenry consist of and what languages they speak so that her office can developed customized information campaigns to promote the Adminstration's policies in that country.

Filed Under: white-house politics bogus-news

Caution, Be Respectful Towards Pigeons

2005-10-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: animals photo-comic

Pat Robertson Renews Chavez Attacks, and...

2005-10-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

Background: The Australian

Filed Under: politics photo-comic

Two European Models Slightly Electrocuted

2005-10-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

Bush Pushes Hard for Acceptance of Iraq Constitution

2005-10-10T10:03:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house iraq photo-comic

New York Police Search Commuter Bags for WMD

2005-10-10T06:05:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: war-on-terror white-house iraq photo-comic

Do You Know People Who Are Like This?

2005-10-10T05:49:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: photo-comic

International Carefree Society Criticizes Worrior Conference

2005-10-10T05:44:00.000-05:00

Stockholm: The chairman of the International Carefree Society (ICS), Herbert Frisby, held a strongly worded press conference today criticizing the International Worrior Federation (IWF) conference held in the Brussels recently.

"I don't give a s-t how many people congregate in a conference facility to worry about stuff," he said, "It is not going to change anything about anything. To be fair though, what they did accomplish was assemble the largest congregation of ulcers in one room in modern history."

The ICS' founding principle is the belief that it is pointless to worry about things one cannot influence or control. According to their 2004 annual report their members have the lowest cholesterol levels and lowest divorce rates in the world.

Frisby continued: "People complain because they worry too much. They make enemies by worrying about getting ahead and getting more. Let me tell you, worrying is at the root of most problems in the world today."

"But I don't give a damn," he concluded.

Anybody is welcome to join the Federation by calling 1-800-WHOCARE. New members receive a welcome pack with tips on how to stop worrying, a complimentary copy of the Mad Magazine and a bumper sticker that reads, 'I don't give a damn'.

Filed Under: bogus-news

Iraq Constitution Helps Iraqi Women cont'd

2005-10-09T18:00:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

Iraq Constitution Helps Iraqi Women

2005-10-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

Iraq's Bayan Jabr Learns From President Bush

2005-10-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house iraq photo-comic

If Our Dogs Could Talk

2005-10-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: animals photo-comic

Model Shows New Fashion for Politicians

2005-10-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion politics photo-comic

Iraq Government Delivers Draft Constitution to Iraqi People

2005-10-09T06:19:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

France Unveils International Viagra Victim Monument

2005-10-09T05:48:00.000-05:00

Lille, France: Authorities unveiled today a monument dedicated to victims of the effects of Viagra.

"This monument honors men and women across the world," Kofi Annan said, "who have died with smiles on their faces. It reminds us that too much of a good thing can be detrimental to our health."

Many victims of Viagra die from severe exhaustion, heart failure, falling down stairs due to unusual gravitational forces on the body, running away from desperate husbands and being run over by a bus, severe protein deficiency, and accidental stabbings with grown members.

A spokesperson for the Viagra company said, although deeply regrettable, those incidents are in the minority and the company prints large warnings on the product packaging to protect itself from lawsuits.

The unveiling ceremony was attended by many foreign dignitaries, including former presidents and members of the United States Congress.

Filed Under: france science bogus-news

British Soldiers Patrol Baghdad by Helicopter

2005-10-08T20:06:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: united-kingdom iraq photo-comic

Russia's Vladimir Putin, Man of Good Fortune

2005-10-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: russia photo-comic

More on Harriet Miers Nomination

2005-10-08T07:43:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: supreme-court animals politics photo-comic

Karl Rove on Harriet Miers Nomination

2005-10-08T06:24:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house supreme-court politics photo-comic

Human Clone Factory Found in Kazakhstan

2005-10-08T05:30:00.000-05:00

Astana: A freelance reporter discovered a human clone factory in Kazakhstan yesterday. The factory is located near a rural town in the Pavlodar province.

The reporter was doing an aerial documentary on population migration in the former USSR republic when he chanced upon this astounding discovery.

"The factory is powered by wind," said the reporter, "and from what I could see it is producing hundreds of human clones per hour."

He continued: "There's a production line with marquee tents and stalls where the clones get anything from clothing, hygiene necessities, and instruction in basic human etiquette."

He was afraid he would raise the suspicions of the Kazakh Intelligence Services and managed to snap only one good telephoto picture from his helicopter.

Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev's office did not answer their telephones and did not reply to voice messages asking for their response.

CIA officials said they have no knowledge of the facility and will look into this troubling development with the highest of urgency.

Filed Under: kazakhstan science bogus-news

Ex Boyfriend Attacks Model With Scissors

2005-10-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: fashion photo-comic

Dick Cheney Still Convinced There's WMD in Iraq

2005-10-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house iraq photo-comic

President Bush Takes Revenge on Cindy Sheehan

2005-10-07T15:11:00.000-05:00

Vacaville: President George W. Bush and his entourage showed up unexpectedly today in Vacaville CA, home of Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan.

Cindy Sheehan held a 26-day vigil in front of President Bush's Texas ranch during August 2005, hoping that the President would explain to her the noble reasons why her son had died in Iraq.

"I am here to take revenge on Cindy Sheehan. She ruined my vacation. Now we are going to camp out in our presidential tents on her goddamn sidewalk for a change. Let's see how she likes that," said the President.

He said they will not leave her sidewalk until she agrees not to talk to him and until she stops calling for troop withdrawal from Iraq.

Filed Under: white-house iraq bogus-news

President Bush Links Iraq War with 9/11, Again

2005-10-07T12:36:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house iraq photo-comic

Marines Launch Operation Contact Lens

2005-10-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

Pork Barrel Projects Survive Hurricane Katrina

2005-10-07T10:59:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: politics photo-comic

2025: Karl Rove Returns from Exile in Ethiopia

2005-10-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

Washington: Karl Rove, former advisor and confidant of the 43rd President of the United States, returned to the United States from self-imposed exile in Ethiopia.

Rove fled the country in 2005 while facing serious conspiracy and treason charges for exposing a clandestine CIA operative. Shortly after being indicted, Rove disappeared into thin air. The incident has faded into distant memory over the past 20 years.

The man who was the mastermind behind two successful presidential elections, and notorious for his often ruthless and slimy political tactics, spoke to reporters outside his new spacious mud hut in a Washington suburb.

Said Rove: "It feels good to be back. I'm a new man, slim and trim. My time in Ethiopia gave me a new perspective on life. Material possessions mean nothing, power means nothing, money is a mere convenience. Being true to oneself and your basic values, being painfully honest, and being able to look yourself in the eye and be proud, those are the things that really matter in life."

Rove is currently working on three new books, 'Confessions of Karl Rove', 'African Culture Through American Eyes', and 'Architectural Concepts for Mud Building Construction'.

Filed Under: white-house politics bogus-news

Bush Demonstrates New Commander in Chief Salute

2005-10-07T06:46:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house photo-comic

Wall Street Highflyer Makes Strong Gains Again

2005-10-07T00:15:00.000-05:00

New York: Shares of American Pessimism Inc rose by more than nine percent today on Wall Street to close at $58.00.

President and CEO of American Pessimism, George Bush Jr., ascribed the sharp rise in investor sentiment to the company's bold expansion into international markets, particularly the Middle East, and to an aggressive domestic spending strategy. Sentiment rose also with the appointment of several high profile industry experts to the Board of Directors.

Chief Operating Officer Dick Cheney confided that they have been operating below the radar for many years. "We decided to raise our profile in the market, and due to the brilliant efforts of our Chief Strategy Officer and Chief Corporate Communications Officer, Karl Rove and Scott McClellan, the true value of this company has been recognized by most conservative investors," he said.

Analysts concur that the stock is still undervalued and now is still a good time to "catch the train". Shares traded in heavy volume during the after-hours session.

Morgan Stanley upgraded the stock on Monday from Hold to Strong Buy.

Filed Under: white-house politics bogus-news

Karl Rove Agrees to Testify Again

2005-10-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: white-house politics photo-comic

Dick Cheney Does Popeye

2005-10-06T12:38:00.000-05:00

Arrrr, where's me pipe 'n spinach Olive!

I'm Dicky the sailor man,
I'm Dicky the sailor man.
With my own defib
I can run I can flip,
I'm Dicky the sailor man!!

Filed Under: white-house photo-comic

American Soldiers Guard Baghdad Wall Against Termite Infestation

2005-10-06T12:24:00.000-05:00

Filed Under: iraq photo-comic

Cindy Sheehan Returns Home to California

2005-10-06T08:08:00.000-05:00

Vacaville: Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan arrived back home today from her 26-day vigil in front of President Bush's Texas ranch and subsequent cross country bus tour to Washington.

Sheehan was greeted by hundreds of sympathizers bearing signs like 'Single male, financially stable', 'Call me if you're bi', and 'I dig outdoor chicks!'. Five angry pro-war protesters huddled in a nearby cul-de-sac bearing signs that read 'Ten kids, no job', 'Will fight for food', and 'Not my kids, no way!'.

The Eureka tent company has sponsored Sheehan for an undisclosed sum of money to live in a tent in her backyard.

Said Sheehan: "I will continue my protest from home. With modern technology I do not need to be at the White House to be an effective protester."

Several companies donated video and communications equipment for Sheehan to broadcast her protest on a billboard sized screen erected outside the White House. Undisclosed sources also revealed that she has secure video conferencing communications with MoveOn.org to plot the future of the anti-war movement.

Sheehan was visibly touched when she learned of all the donations that had flooded in and vowed that she will stay the course. "We will honor our bus tour gas bill by completing the mission," she said, "and as Democrat politicians stand up we will stand down."

Sheehan also expressed faith that her constitution will improve now that she is back home. "My skin has taken a real beating from the Texas sun and I have been severely constipated from eating too many burgers and hotdogs," she said.

May Parkin, Sheehan's agent and manager told reporters that her client will first seek medical attention for a condition called Telephone Elbow. "Cindy has been on her cell phone non-stop and her elbow is stuck in the cell phone position."

When asked if she still wanted to meet with the President, she replied: "A woman should not run after a man. If George Bush is the true gentleman he claims to be, he will come and see me here in my own backyard."

Filed Under: white-house iraq bogus-news

Drug Dealer Sues Department of Education

2005-10-06T05:48:00.000-05:00

Halifax: Small time drug dealer Tony Pazzeto sued the Nova Scotia Department of Education today for not adequately preparing him for his chosen profession.

Mr. Pazzeto has been in the local news over the last ten years for several arrests, including selling drugs to minors, intimidation of a senior citizen, attempted murder, and running a red light.

Said Pazzeto's lawyer: "My client feels the Nova Scotia educational system is responsible for him being arrested so many times and is seeking compensation for lost revenue. If he had been adequately prepared for his profession he would not have been caught and arrested at all."

Speaking under advisement from his lawyer, Pazzeto explained that his time in school was wasted with irrelevant subjects like Geography, History, and English to name a few. The only subjects he found remotely relevant were Algebra to the level of addition and subtraction, and Biology for knowing where the vital organs are located.

Pazzeto elaborated further: "What would have prepared me better would have been subjects like Advanced Driving Skills, Shaded Window Installation, Street Corner Lurking, Intimidation Techniques, Assassination Methods, Gangster Etiquette, Advanced Shooting Skills, and Authority Evasion. But no, they wasted my teenage years with crap like teaching me how to speak my native language."

Lawyers for the Department of Education said that they saw some merit in Pazzeto arguments but they will mount a vigorous defense nonetheless.

Filed Under: canada bogus-news

Duplex Dude Helps Iraq Government

2005-10-05T21:48:00.000-05:00

Washington: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice expressed her deep admiration and appreciation today for the diplomacy efforts of famous blogger Duplex Dude. He single-handedly convinced the Iraq government today to reverse their decision on redefining "voter", that would have ensured a dubious ratification of the Iraqi constitution at the polls.

"I didn't think much of it at first," said Duplex Dude in an interview in the bathroom mirror, "but I did notice a heavy spike in traffic from Baghdad to my weblog this afternoon."

He posted a simple explanation on his weblog earlier today, explaining in common language what the Iraqi government was attempting to do.

"All in a day's work," he said, "this one is free of charge. Amazing what common sense can accomplish."

*snicker*

Iraq Government Redefines 'Voter'

2005-10-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

Baghdad: With less than two weeks to go before a national vote on a new constitution, Iraq's majority coalition of Shiites and Kurds has changed the meaning of the word "voter" to apply to people who do not actually vote. The draft constitution can only fail if two-thirds of the voters (whether they voted or not) in three or more provinces do not reject it.

Confused already, my novice Iraqi voter?

It is elementary, dear Watson. Let an experienced voter explain it to you in every day terms:

If more than half the people you meet today do not say you're beautiful, then you are butt ugly.
If more than two thirds of the singles in the pub are unattractive, then you are not drunk enough.
If more than three quarters of the people in the elevator do not look at you, then it is you who have farted.

Now, do you understand?

Filed Under: iraq bogus-news

Archimedes Started All The Screwing Around

2005-10-05T05:34:00.000-05:00

Athens: Members of the Greek Regional Orthodox World Network (GROWN) announced today that they have found, through intensive historical and contemporary studies, that Archimedes was the instigator of all the screwing around going on in the world today.

Archimedes (287 BC–212 BC) was an ancient mathematician from the Greek seaport colony of Syracuse. He is known for inventing many mathematical equations as well as numerous mechanical devices.

"The most socially corrupting invention of Archimedes," said a GROWN member, "was the infamous Archimedes Screw Pump."

Even to the purest of mind, just saying it out loud makes one begin to comprehend how immoral an invention it was.

What started with Archimedes as a simple screw pump has evolved over the centuries into the most disgusting and morally offensive behaviors, according to the chief member.

Tracing the evolution of the device, the GROWN members found the following almost unspeakable monstrosities in its wake:

Lobe pump, smoothed over today as 'screwing your brains out'
Diaphragm pump, cunningly disguised by Vogue magazine as 'birth control'
Nodding donkey pump, widely masked today by many as 'doggie style'
Turbo pump, artfully coined by the modern politically correct crowd as 'nymphomania'
Hydraulic ram pump, sneakily masked by women today as 'give it to me baby!'
Vacuum pump, cleverly concealed today as the 'blowjob'
Submersible pump, widely disguised today as 'I want it all the way in'
Circumferential piston pump, commonly shielded today as 'size matters'
Split case centrifugal pump, widely masqueraded today as the 'two-some'
Axial flow pump, broadly hidden by many today as 'using the backdoor'
Stirrup pump, commonly masked by modern couples as 'she is on top tonight'
Common hand pump, maliciously concealed today by many as 'masturbation'
Vane pump, widely cloaked today as 'seeing if I still got it'
Peristaltic pump, cleverly disguised today as 'she is really wild in bed'

Explained the chief GROWN member: "Trust human nature to take a simple corrupt thing and evolve it into the ultimate manifestation of evil."

Senior GROWN members are planning to launch an aggressive information campaign to educate the world population on the subversion of moral standards that started with Archimedes.

"We will expose him for the dangerous and dirty old man that he really was," concluded the member.

Filed Under: science bogus-news

Chief Justice John Roberts Announces Early Retirement

2005-10-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

Washington: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts, who was confirmed on September 29th, announced today that he will retire on Friday.

"I really just wanted to see if I would be confirmed as Chief Justice without saying anything about my opinions and positions on pressing constitutional matters. And by golly I was confirmed," he said. "I owe my wife a hundred bucks," he laughingly added.

Citing concern about potential conflict of interest as another reason for his early retirement he said, "I foresee a number of corruption cases being referred to the Supreme Court in the near future, and it would be unethical of me to hear and decide on cases involving close associates and personal friends."

"And lastly," Roberts said, "I don't take in rookies and give them on the job training."

Roberts shied away from answering questions about his future but did say off the record that he had heard about a possible opening in the senior leadership of FEMA. "I think my facial expressions can scare the right people into action during a disaster," he confided to this reporter.

Filed Under: supreme-court bogus-news

The Rosetta Stone Finally Translated

2005-10-04T06:46:00.000-05:00

Cairo, Egypt: Egyptian archeologists and historical linguists have finally succeeded in translating the Rosetta Stone.

French Captain Pierre-François Bouchard (1772-1832) discovered the stone in the Egyptian port city of Rosetta (present-day Rashid) on July 15, 1799. The dark granite stone's Egyptian hieroglyphs have puzzled historians for decades. They believed that unlocking the wisdom and history contained in the text would vastly improve modern understanding of ancient civilizations.

What they did find was mildly intriguing but not as enlightening as expected.

To: Pharaoh Tutankhamen,

You had no right to call me a bitch the other night. Yes, I did have PMS but I know that I control it very well.

At first I thought you were a god, but now I know that you are just another male chauvinist pig. How else does one explain your statement that night that "a woman is not worthy to rule Egypt"? Curses and damnation! You ignorant and bombastic bastard!

Oh yes, and you think I'm stupid, don't you. I know about you and Nefertiti. All those times you had to go on 'important Pharaoh business' while I sat at home weaving baskets. You slimy two-faced desert rat of a stinking son of a dead skunk! Tell that whore to stay out of my way if she knows what is good for her. By Isis, I will scratch her eyes out and feed them to your pet monkey!

I know why you commissioned the construction of that massive pyramid. It is to make up for that pitiful inferior member of yours. You know, I never complained because I loved you, but let me clear my conscience and tell you that I was never satisfied.

Yes, great and mighty Pharaoh Tutankhamen, I faked it every single time. I have had more fun with a hotdog. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it, you egotistical twit.

It is over between us. Done. Finished.

Get on with your life. Asshole.

Sincerely,

Cleopatra

PS. I chose this stone as my tablet instead of papyrus in the hope that you drop it on your foot or break your toe against it.

Filed Under: egypt bogus-news

Wicked Storm Slams into Seaside Town in England

2005-10-03T21:33:00.000-05:00

Clacton-on-Sea, U.K.: Residents scurried for shelter today in this coastal town as an angry storm swept over the area.

Clacton-on-Sea is a seaside resort on the Tendring Peninsula in Essex, England. According to the Met Office their radar and satellite weather equipment failed to detect the storm as it brewed over the English Channel.

Said one resident: "This tragedy makes me feel one with our friends in the United States who have been suffering similar fates. You cannot truly know what it is like until you have been in the midst of one of these monsters."

"It just came out of nowhere and caused tremendous destruction," said another resident, pointing to an upended plastic chair on her deck.

Apart from the overturned chair, other destruction caused by the storm includes Tesco shopping bags blown into trees, drowning of several cacti in the Clacton memorial gardens, and ruining of the expensive hairstyling of one of the noble uptown housewives.

"It was terribly frightening," said a pastor of a local church, "the storm was three hundred metres wide! A geezer in my parish measured it."

Credits: Idea submitted by U.K. reader, Brian.

Filed Under: united-kingdom bogus-news

Harriet Miers Appointed to US Supreme Court as Summer Student

2005-10-03T07:41:00.000-05:00

Washington: The US Senate confirmed today the appointment of Harriet Miers to the US Supreme Court as summer student judge-in-training.

Miers, nominated by President Bush to replace retiring Judge O'Connor, caused an intense half-day debate in her confirmation hearings and subsequent hour long maneuvering by members of the Senate Judicial Committee.

The most contentious issue was the fact that Ms. Miers has never been a judge before.

"We wanted to appoint a qualified person to the Court," said Senator Biden, "but we understood the predicament of the President. With this nomination he had to please his staunch conservative base and woo moderate conservatives at the same time. The only way to accomplish that was to nominate someone who honestly does not have a legal position on anything."

In a spirit of bipartisanship, members from both parties reached across the aisle and appointed Miers on a six month probation as summer student. Her appointment also breaks a record in it being the first appointment to occur on the same day as her nomination.

Chief Justice John Roberts noted: "I am pleased with the appointment. Judge-in-Training Miers will start as filing clerk and will also operate the tea trolley. Starting at the bottom provides a solid foundation for Ms. Miers to one day become a real judge."

President Bush expressed his satisfaction with the decision and noted that he could not have expected anything more.

Filed Under: supreme-court white-house bogus-news

International Worrior Federation Holds Annual Conference

2005-10-03T06:46:00.000-05:00

Brussels: The week long annual conference of the International Worrier Federation (IWF) commenced today in the luxurious Hotel Amigo in Brussels, Belgium. Serial worriers from across the world filled the large auditorium to listen to the opening address by IWF president, Hermanus Dimitrius.

"We are all worried about not being honored enough to rub shoulders with the best worriors of our modern age," said Dimitrius, "and I am particularly worried that attending this conference is not something that worries each and every one of you for 51 weeks of the year."

Dimitrius noted how worried he was that the delegates wouldn’t enjoy the conference, and wouldn’t learn new and exciting aspects of worrying from all the distinguished speakers. He pointed out that all the speakers have been anxiously chosen and all have thoroughly prepared by worrying that they might leave out essential details in their presentations.

As the delegates filed out of the auditorium they were all issued with a complimentary list of world issues to worry about and an ample supply of anti-acid tablets.

A delegate named Bruno observed: "This list is wonderful. The worst is to worry about not having anything to worry about."

The conference has nine main tracks from which delegates can choose: 'Worrying for Beginners', 'Creative Ways of Finding Things to Worry About', 'How to Worry More Effectively', 'The Therapy of Worrying in Large Groups', 'The New Worry Diet', 'Advanced Worrying for Ulcer Sufferers', 'Worrying: Genetic or Acquired', 'Evangelizing the Carefree', and 'How to Make a Living Worrying'.

Only one of the speakers seemed to have missed the mark with her presentation entitled 'How not to Worry about Worrying'. Nobody enrolled for her presentation. Said one of the delegates: "I worry that I don't know what she was thinking. Worrying about your worrying is the last fallback worry for all worriors."

When asked why he worried so much, Helmut P. from Germany explained: "I think my mother asked God to make me a fierce warrior. But with her accent and all, God heard 'fierce worrier'."

Proceedings were slightly marred when a waiter said "No worries" after a delegate knocked over his wine glass at dinner table. Hotel management suspended the man from duties for a week. Delegates noted how worried they were for his family.

The main message the conference sends to the rest of the world is that there is always something to worry about with no shortage of people to do the worrying.

Filed Under: bogus-news

Hollywood Actor Launches Own Wine Brand

2005-10-02T16:08:00.000-05:00

Chateauneuf des Papes, France: Renowned Hollywood actor Vin Diesel launched his own brand of wine at this year's Chateauneuf des Papes Wine Festival.

Diesel is better known for starring in Hollywood productions such as The Fast and The Furious and The Pacifier, as well as the jeans documentary 'Diesel in Diesel'.

Vin Diesel's wine is sold under the name 'Vin de Diesel'. "I originally thought of just calling it 'Vin Diesel' or 'Diesel Vin', but that did not fully convey the delicacy of the wine," said Diesel.

Wine connoisseurs at the festival applauded Vin de Diesel.

"Merveilleux! Unique! Fantastique! Le meilleur que j'ai goûté. Le meilleur vin au monde. Il se vendra très bien," exclaimed a wine connoisseur from Paris. Literally translated it means, "It's good."

Said an Australian wine expert: "A very approachable wine with an attack of a delicate bouquet of premium gasoline with subtle hints of depleted ozone. Definitely of Saudi origin. Elegantly finished with a pleasantly complex structure of urban smog craftily augmented with traces of global warming. And an enchanting aftertaste of buttery crude oil that tantalizingly lingers on an appreciative palette."

Vin de Diesel is sold worldwide and Diesel's agents indicated that the price per bottle will not follow the trend of gasoline prices.

Filed Under: entertainment bogus-news

Palestinian Entrepreneur Invents Rock Incubator

2005-10-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

Ramallah: Palestinian entrepreneur Salam Wazeer demonstrated today to reporters his new rock incubator invention, which is sold by Wazeer, Wazeer, Wazeer, and Sons.

Mr. Wazeer lives in the occupied West Bank and said that he and his brothers had become increasingly frustrated with the lack of suitable rocks to serve as projectiles directed at Israeli soldier positions. He showed reporters the scars on his hands from jagged edged rocks that he had thrown in the past.

"The best ideas are often born in an hour of need," Wazeer said, "and this idea came to me as I was dodging infidel tear gas projectiles in the streets of Ramallah."

With Wazeer's device the owner charges the incubation chamber with a load of standard desert sand, lights an olive oil lamp below the chamber, and comes back five minutes later to find a perfectly smooth and throwable rock in the chamber.

A very comprehensive user manual contains a sliding scale with how much sand is needed for the desired rock circumference.

"I'm already working on an upgraded version of the incubator," Wazeer said, "that will be able to incubate rocks that deform into sharp edged projectiles in flight."

Wazeer, Wazeer, Wazeer, and Sons is already expanding internationally. The Canadian military has ordered more than two hundred incubators for their 4th Slingshot Regiment.

According to Wazeer interest has also been expressed by COSATU in South Africa, the recently disarmed IRA in Ireland, and the Boyscouts in the U.S.A.

Future plans include a recreational version of the incubator that can incubate ping pong and beach balls from industrial packaging foam.

Filed Under: palestine science bogus-news

Japanese WWII Soldier Dies on Remote Pacific Island

2005-10-01T13:51:00.000-05:00

Pentagon: First Class Private Shinozuka Oyama of the Japanese WWII army died yesterday on a tiny island ten nautical miles east of Iwo Jima in the Pacific Ocean where he has barricaded himself since 1945. He died of old age.

Private Oyama was the only soldier of his times that did not receive notification that the war was over.

"We became aware of his existence in 1965," said US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "when shots were fired at one of our military cargo aircraft."

The US military so much admired the soldier's tenacity and survival skills that they decided not to shatter his world that had been in existence for 20 years at that time, Rumsfeld said.

"We periodically sent Navy Seals to the island to fire off a few rounds and play loud droning sounds over large loudspeakers," he added. Private Oyama always replied with intense return fire and more than a few choice words that cannot be repeated to a public audience. In 1996 he slightly wounded one of the Navy Seals when one of his bullets ricocheted off the ocean surface.

On occasion the Military did a high altitude drop of some essential supplies and ammunition that were donated by the Japanese War Museum.

Military strategists have been studying Private Oyama's daily routine, camouflage techniques, and innovative survival skills via satellite observation. "We have learned a tremendous amount from Private Oyama," said General Miller, "and we mourn his passing away. We feel a deep sense of loss."

Those sentiments were mirrored by Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi who said: "Private Shinozuka Oyama is a shining example of Japanese perseverance and loyalty. He will be buried with full military honors."

Japanese military officials have not yet been able to identify any next of kin.

Filed Under: japan bogus-news

NASA Astronauts Return Safely from Secret Moon Mission

2005-10-01T02:55:00.000-05:00

Houston: NASA Administrator Michael Griffin announced today that five of the agency's astronauts have safely returned from a clandestine mission to the moon.

"NASA is heading to the moon again if Congress approves funding," Griffin said, "and we had to validate that the moon is still where we expect it to be."

Apparently NASA engineers could not guarantee the existence and present location of the moon with their usual degree of accuracy because the agency has not explored that region of space for many decades.

Griffin added: "Can you imagine the public embarrassment if we spend $100 billion on our planned mission to the moon and we arrive at vastly empty coordinates in space?"

Mission Commander John Forearm told reporters that the crew had a few anxious days in space while trying to find the moon.

"We searched the coordinates where Apollo 17 had left the moon and found nothing. It was when Mission Control gave us the go-ahead to expand the search area that we saw the moon rise from behind the earth," he said.

They performed a fly-by of the moon and reportedly noticed that one of the moon buggies was not in the position it was left by the Apollo astronauts.

"The Lunar Roving Vehicle seems to have moved by approximately 400 miles and there are several doughnut circles in the tracks left by the buggy. That's a curiosity we want to investigate with our future missions to the moon," Administrator Griffin concluded.

Filed Under: nasa science bogus-news

Car Bomb Explodes Near Fruit Market in Iraq

2005-09-30T15:56:00.000-05:00

Baghdad: A suicide car bomber detonated his bomb today near the Al-Hakim Fruit Market, one of the largest fruit markets in the city.

Fortunately the market was mostly empty of patrons and the worst injuries suffered were lacerations and a few broken limbs.

Speaking to reporters via telephones in their Green Zone hotels, the owner of the fruit market, Mr. Barham Al-Hakim, said he was taking the unfortunate incident in his stride.

"I have already put out a new sign in front of the market that reads: 'Al-Hakim Fruit Salad Bar'," he said.

Filed Under: iraq bogus-news

Bush Outlaws All Religion in the U.S.A.

2005-09-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

Washington: President George W. Bush outlawed today, by executive order, all forms of religion within the United States of America.

"It came to our attention," he said, "that Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita were Acts of God, committed against the United States of America by a terrorist organization called Force Majeure."

According to the President it was one of Vice President Dick Cheney's former associates in the insurance industry that had tipped them off.

The President announced that as of today he considers Force Majeure to be part of the Axis of Evil. He pledged that his administration will leave no stone unturned to find God and eliminate the threat of Force Majeure.

Filed Under: white-house war-on-terror bogus-news

South Africa Hit by Massive Zoonami

2005-09-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

Pretoria: President Thabo Mbeki expressed his condolences today to the next of kin of the victims in the northern part of the country who died as a result of the massive zoonami that had hit the country from Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe is suffering from severe food shortages to the extent that citizens have started to hunt wild animals on an unprecedented scale.

For survival of their species the animals have instinctively fled south, crossing the Limpopo river into South Africa in massive stampedes.

"Entire border communities have been wiped from the face of the earth," said Mbeki. Vibrant communities like the town of Musina exist no more. Musina was overrun by a large herd of elephant that was followed, to add insult to injury, by an even larger herd of rhinoceros.

The communication and power supply infrastructure of the Limpopo province has been completely destroyed by large herds of fleeing Zimbabwean giraffe. Smaller Zimbabwean animals like rabbits, foxes, and mice have caused extensive damage as far south as Polokwane, the capital of the Limpopo province.

Large flocks of Zimbabwean birds have periodically blocked out the sunshine over Johannesburg and Pretoria, and a flock of Zimbabwean pigeon has been found nesting on Table Mountain near Cape Town. Swarms of Zimbabwean locusts have also been spotted on the farmlands in the Free State province.

"This is the worst zoonami in human history," said former President Nelson Mandela in a press conference, "and I want to personally thank former President George H. Bush and my dear friend former President Bill Clinton for their efforts to solicit international donations for our stricken citizens."

At the urgent request of Limpopo Premier Sello Moloto, President Mbeki declared a state of emergency to exist in the Limpopo province, and activated the Central Emergency Management Agency (CEMA) to render emergency assistance as required.

Survivors in the devastated areas have criticized the performance of CEMA. Said one survivor in the decimated town of Makhado: "It has been five days and we have not seen a representative from CEMA yet. The only people we have seen have been Anderson Cooper from CNN and John Robbie from Radio 702."

Accurate casualty figures will probably be impossible to compile since many of the victims would have been consumed by Zimbabwean predators and scavengers like lions, leopards and hyenas.

President Mbeki is scheduled to tour the devastated areas over the next seven days.

Filed Under: south-africa bogus-news

New U.K. Census Shows Most Londoners Live in London

2005-09-30T07:36:00.000-05:00

London: The United Kingdom's Government Statistical Service (GSS) released the report today of a special census commissioned by Prime Minister Tony Blair's office a year ago. The findings firmly conclude that most Londoners live in London.

"We are always excited," said an aid of Mr. Blair, "by interesting and useful demographic statistics. Understanding who lives where is essential to good governance."

Mayor of London Ken Livingston expressed his satisfaction with the findings, "During my tenure as mayor we have increased the percentage of Londoners who live in London from 55% to 61%. It proves our policies of promoting London are working effectively."

A spokeswoman for GSS said they went door to door to every household in London and confirmed that everyone was a Londoner. "We have auditable proof in the form of five warehouses full of completed checklists," she said.

The study surprisingly found, almost as a footnote, that most Londoners do not live in Birmingham and Newcastle.

Filed Under: united-kingdom bogus-news

FLASH: U.S. Deploys Subway Dogs, but N.Y. Declines

2005-09-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

New York: The Department of Homeland Security is providing 30 bomb-sniffing dogs, along with training for their police handlers, to 10 transit agencies. But New York's subway system, by far the largest and busiest in the country, is not one of them. The Metropolitan Transportation Authority turned down the offer, officials said yesterday, because New York cannot afford the extra long leashes that are required for the bomb-sniffing dogs.

Filed Under: war-on-terror bogus-news

Pork Projects by State

2005-09-29T06:40:00.000-05:00

September 29, 2005: After intensive undercover investigation and hacking into the Blackberry handhelds of several members of Congress, this reporter uncovered pork projects for all 50 states and the federal district that have previously been hidden from public knowledge by the Patriot Act.

Alabama: Water project to flood the entire state and turn it into the largest panhandle extension of the Gulf of Mexico to be used for an annual sailboat regatta ($351 million)
Alaska: Transportation project to build an elevated six lane highway across Canada to Washington state to avoid having to go through customs ($20.1 billion)
Arizona: Water project to build a dam wall in the Colorado river that will flood the Grand Canyon and create the largest and longest ice rink in the world in winter ($1.8 billion)
Arkansas: Landscaping project to import iron ore to increase the size of Little Rock and rename it to Big Rock ($980 million)
California: Transportation project to install several thousand pedestrian conveyor belts to facilitate immigration from Mexico (131 million)
Colorado: Landscaping project to bulldoze the Rocky Mountains into a single peak that will exceed Mount Everest in elevation and place the highest point on earth in the USA ($20 billion)
Connecticut: Tourism project to connect the Appalachian Trail in one giant loop so that tourist dollars do not leave the state ($45 million)
Delaware: Advertising project to make people aware that Delaware is not a competitor of Tupperware ($550 million)
Florida: Space project to spacelift the entire Florida Keys to the moon to provide a more exclusive summer home for Canadian retirees ($110 billion)
Georgia: Commerce project to recruit younger air hostesses for Delta Airlines ($230 million)
Hawaii: Transportation project to build a submerged six lane highway to Tokyo to facilitate trade and tourism with Asia ($100 billion).
Idaho: Demographic project to import at least one liberal voter to the state ($230 thousand)
Illinois: Demographic project to export the poor population to Louisiana where they can benefit from federal assistance programs ($160 million)
Indiana: State symbol project to rename the state to Nativia Americana because Indiana is not politically correct ($68 million)
Iowa: Legal project to lift state endorsement of the Eighteenth Amendment that prohibited intoxicating liquor in 1920 ($5.5 million)
Kansas: Charity project to donate the World's second largest Shovel to Colorado ($6 million)
Kentucky: Air quality project to install giant Febreze spray equipment to rid the state of the oily smell of fried chicken ($540 million)
Nevada: Scientific project to install complex optical instruments and remote DNA sensing equipment on the mountains surrounding Area 51 to prove the federal government is hiding aliens at the facility ($540 million)
Louisiana: Civil protection project to erect a gigantic 'No Entry, Hurricanes Strictly Forbidden' sign facing the Gulf of Mexico and a smaller 'Storm Surge Strictly Forbidden' sign facing Lake Pontchartrain ($1.2 billion)
Maine: State symbol project to change the name of the state to Minore since it never features in any major news ($120 million)
Maryland: State symbol project to rename the state to Bettyland since more female babies in the state are now being named Betty as opposed to Mary ($20 million)
Massachusetts: Public relations project to destroy any historical evidence of and deny any connection with John Kerry ($20 million)
Michigan: Subversion project to discourage and undermine the use of public transportation in the other 49 states ($100 million)
Minnesota: Civil protection project to relocate the Iron Range to the shores of Lake Superior to serve as a levee system ($100 billion)
Mississippi: Tourism project to drain the Mississippi river and turn it into a giant skateboard halfpipe ($100 billion)
Missouri: Defense project to erect observation posts and bunkers on the borders of the eight adjacent states in case one turns renegade ($880 million)
Montana: Defense project to erect anti-aircraft batteries to protect its long border with Canada against intrusion by Canada's single operational fighter jet ($760 million)
Nebraska: Environment project to erect a giant carbon dioxide emitter to trigger another Ice Age, so that glaciers can better reshape the state's geography ($200 million)
New Hampshire: Geographic project to give the Old Man of the Mountain a facelift ($150 million)
New Jersey: State symbol project to adopt the Jersey cow as official seal ($20 million)
New Mexico: State naming project to rename the state to New Spaniel to complement the bordering Mexican state of Chihuahua ($80 million)
New York: Tourism project to give Lady Liberty a boob job, collagen injections and liposuction ($200 million)
North Carolina: Public health project to erect large 'No Smoking' signs facing the Smoky Mountains ($80 million)
North Dakota: Civil defense project to erect giant 'No Entry, Tornadoes Prohibited' signs across the state ($200 million)
Ohio: Landscaping project to paint the Great Black Swamp in a more pleasing light eggshell hue ($400 million)
Oklahoma: Civil defense project to permanently seal off the entrance of the Tornado Alley ($900 million)
Oregon: Tourism project to install giant champagne dispensers at the crest of the Cascade Mountains ($2 billion)
Pennsylvania: Construction project to plug the Delaware Water Gap ($650 million)
Rhode Island: Commerce project to sell the Jewels of the Bay to the De Beers group ($50 million)
South Carolina: Education project to teach the state inhabitants an accent that the other 49 states can understand ($800 million)
South Dakota: City naming project to rename the capital, Pierre, to Sitting Bull so that visiting celebrities do not confuse the capital with their hairdresser ($90 million)
Texas: Roofing project to cover the entire state with a retractable roof and make it the world's largest indoor cattle ranch ($300 billion)
Tennessee: Civil privacy project to install a giant screen between the state and the Lookout Mountain in bordering Georgia ($65 million)
Utah: Demographic project to attract more eligible females to the state (200 million)
Vermont: Advertizing project to educate the public that 'Vermont' is not the brand name of a mice and lice incubator ($3 billion)
Virginia: Public relations project to convince the other 49 states that inhabitants of Virginia do not procreate by means of artificial insemination ($590 million)
Washington: Civil protection project to install a giant chimney on Mount Rainier to direct future volcanic eruptions into space ($5 billion)
Washington DC: Climate control project to install giant extractor fans to disperse the hot air generated in the district, and a commerce project to export the precursor of industrial fertilizer that is produced by the district ($2 billion)
West Virginia: Tourism project to elevate the New River Gorge Bridge by another 5,000 feet to facilitate more exhilarating BASE jumping ($700 million)
Wisconsin: Geographic project to drain Lake Superior and market the site to Japanese tourists as the largest meteor crater on earth ($3 billion)
Wyoming: Geographic project to relocate the Big Horn Mountains to be situated on top of the Devil's Tower ($500 billion)

***
Background: Michelle Malkin, Tapcott's Copy Desk, psychophil

Filed Under: politics bogus-news

Japanese Kill Only Surviving Giant Squid

2005-09-28T14:58:00.000-05:00

September 28, 2005: Japanese scientists announced today that they were able capture and kill the last surviving member of the giant squid species. They plan to bring the 28 feet monster to shore later today.

Giants squids, rumored to weigh up to 2,000 pounds and measure up to 30 feet in length, have been the subject of many urban legends as well as Hollywood films such as Reap the Wild Wind and Dr No. No giant squid has ever been caught alive, until yesterday. Well, sort of.

"We are very excited with this catch," one of the scientists said, "because at long last we have the proof that the species actually existed."

"It was the last surviving member of the species," he added, "because we found a serial number on its forehead that reads 'Extinct - 1'."

The scientists plan to recover the costs of the expedition by carving up the squid and selling it as large calamari steaks.

Filed Under: japan science bogus-news

FLASH: Sweden Reinvents Reincarnation

2005-09-28T10:06:00.000-05:00

Stockholm: Scientists in Sweden reinvented reincarnation by inventing a process that freeze dries a corpse, dipping it in liquid nitrogen and gently vibrating it to shatter it into powder. The powder is then vacuum sealed in a small Tupperware holder with the following instructions on the lid: "Add distilled water and gently shake until fully dissolved. Wait until person is fully expanded, then choose fitting name and greet."

***
Background: Shakespeare's Sister

Filed Under: sweden science bogus-news

Canadian Military Mobilizes for War with Denmark

2005-09-28T08:07:00.000-05:00

September 28, 2005: Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin today announced that he has ordered the Canadian military to mobilize for the impending war with Denmark over the disputed Hans Island.

Both nations lay claim to the 1.3 square km (half a square mile) Hans Island, located between Canada's Ellesmere Island and Greenland, which belongs to Denmark. The dispute stems back to 1973, when borders drawn between Greenland and Canada ignored Hans Island.

Canadian Chief of the Defence Staff, General Rick Hillier, said that full force deployment will be swift. "Both our tanks will arrive at Ellesmere Island by the end of the week, supported by our full contingent of three Huey helicopters," he said.

Canadian ground forces, comprising of two slingshot battalions and one archer battalion, will accompany the tanks.

Air superiority might be a problem, the General pointed out, saying, "Our De Havilland Vampire fighter jet is currently grounded awaiting spare parts from the Imperial War Museum in London."

Danish Foreign Minister Per Stig Moller said that Denmark is still hopeful for a peaceful solution to the dispute. "War is an absolute last resort," he said, "especially when you are faced with overwhelmingly superior forces."

Filed Under: canada denmark bogus-news

Massive Price Protest Planned in Washington

2005-09-27T21:13:00.000-05:00

September 27, 2005: The Alliance of Concerned Consumers announced today that they have organized a massive demonstration in Washington DC on Saturday and Sunday to protest the sharp increase in the price of pizza delivery.

"The President urged the American people to conserve energy," a spokesman for the Alliance said, "and we fully support that. Folks can drive less to conserve gas, but they have to feed themselves, don't they? And how are they supposed to feed themselves if they cannot drive to the grocery store and they cannot afford the fee to have pizza delivered?"

"It is utterly ridiculous. This pizza delivery price gouging is a national disgrace and the American people will not stand for it," he added.

The price of pizza delivery has increased tenfold over the increase in the price of gas over the past two weeks.

Organizers say they have already received more than 500,000 registrations on their web site from people who pledged to attend and they expect that double that number of people will just show up without having registered.

Filed Under: white-house politics bogus-news

FLASH: Bin Laden Announces Retirement

2005-09-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

Cave, Pakistan: Osama bin Laden called President Bush today and told him he is retiring from the terrorism business. "Your natural disasters and political problems are dominating the headlines, and you are ignoring me. I am not getting any publicity anymore. I quit," said bin Laden. President Bush said he understood: "You know, lately I have been feeling like quitting as well." The President also complimented him on the expensive Rolex that bin Laden received at his al Queda farewell party.

Filed Under: war-on-terror white-house bogus-news

FLASH: Pakistan Elections Modeled After US

2005-09-27T11:17:00.000-05:00

Islamabad: Police in northwestern Pakistan have issued the report of an inquiry launched after complaints about two dead women being declared elected in a local election held last month. "We concluded that the elections were modeled after the American elections where Democrats were elected to office," the report states.

Filed Under: pakistan politics bogus-news

FLASH: Brownie Fudges Again

2005-09-27T10:33:00.000-05:00

Washington: In his testimony today to the congressional committee on mistakes made in the response to Hurricane Katrina, former FEMA Director Michael Brown admitted to the committee members that he had fudged his resignation letter. It was revealed yesterday that he is still employed by FEMA as a consultant in the capacity of Chief Blame Deflection Officer, a designation that was recently changed from Chief Fall Officer. His confession came after a female member of the committee pointed at his genitals and laughed.

Background: Shakespeare's Sister, Michelle Malkin

Filed Under: fema hurricane-katrina bogus-news

Silent Majority Exceed Current World Population

2005-09-27T08:38:00.000-05:00

September 27, 2005: The United Nations' Institute for International Demographics released a report today with findings that the world population numbers have been consistently underreported.

"Our findings were made during an audit of world population numbers as reported by the different countries," a spokesman said. The audit team Google'd the term 'silent majority' and counted the number of organizations, government representatives, interest groups, and movements that claim they have the support or are the representatives of the silent majority.

"The results were startling," said the spokesman, "we discovered that the silent majority outnumbers the world population by a factor of 10 to 1 at the very least."

The United Nations urged all governments to immediately recount their populations.

Kofi Annan cautioned in an emergency press release: "This could have very dire consequences on resources and ultimately on world peace."

Filed Under: bogus-news

FLASH: Setback for Intelligent Design Believers

2005-09-27T07:59:00.000-05:00

Harrisburg: Believers in intelligent design in the Dover Area School District court case received a big setback on Monday when the plaintiffs and their lawyers were seated in court on specially installed tree branches and munched on bags of peanuts. Court proceedings were temporarily halted to allow the plaintiffs to pick flees from their lawyers heads.

Filed Under: bogus-news

FLASH: 82nd Airborne Troops Find NOLA Looters

2005-09-27T07:34:00.000-05:00

New Orleans: Paratroopers of the 82nd Airborne Division announced that they were able to extract the names of all the looters that ravaged New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. “We generally kept it to broken arms and legs,” a Sergeant said, "but in one case we had to use a leash and point to the man's genitals to extract information."

Filed Under: hurricane-katrina bogus-news